Last Day of 2008

I like to review my year on Dec 31, when I can.Usually, that's in my journal, but I'll do it in my blog this year.

2008 was probably my least best year, I'm afraid. Losing my daughter, Michele, is right up there with being one of the worst experiences in my life. It was so unexpected, despite the fact that for many years, when she was younger, I was afraid that she would drink something, or run off and get into trouble that would lead to her death. The past several years were quite calm after her years going through puberty and getting into a group home. Because of the excellent care she received from Turn Services, I began to relax. In fact, I had started to worry about how Michele would deal with my passing. I guess no one could have predicted she would have a brain tumor.

There was a great deal of pain in Michele's passing. There still is, for that matter. Even so, I was amazed at the lives she touched, and the people who were there with me and with her, giving her their love and energy to get through her last task. I am so grateful for them.

Strangely, gratitude is an emotion that rivals sorrow for this last year. I had help and caring from so many people, those at the hospital, those people who worked with her, people that I work with and my wonderful family who bear the sorrow with me. I hope they all know how grateful I am to them.

I can barely remember the first few months of 2008, but from Michele's passing onward, the year seems etched in my mind. Strange.

I got to get to know a little about my granddaughter to be, when Sam and Solanah drove down from Vancouver to see us after Michele died. They knew they wouldn't be able to stay for any funeral proceedings, but were here to show thier support for us. I'm grateful.

I'm so grateful to my son, Bob, his wonderful wife, Lisa, to my grandchildren Caitlin and Ethan, for thier company and presence during the planning and services for Michele. We had this little 2 bedroom house, filled with the people I love, mattresses everywhere, and it was great!

I got myself busy doing yard work with a "green" people power mower. It was really quite easy. It helps when the mower is new and the blades are sharp. I had planned to plant a garden, but hadn't got the grass dug out before Michele's passing. After that, I just didn't have the energy, or the heart to dig it out. Hopefully, I will get that accomplished this year.

We didn't do much movie going, but did go to an art exhibit last summer. Gas prices were still high, so there weren't any road trips. Most of my travel was commuting back and forth to work in Salt Lake. By the time I needed to start my extra Holiday hours, the price of gas was coming down. For awhile, it seemed that the price was in free fall, dropping a couple of cents a day. Now it's up a few cents, but seems to have leveled off. (hopefully) I have a new co-ordinator at work, but things aren't too changed. It does seem that there's a bit more micro-managing with the recession and all.

A really bright spot has been the election of Barrack Obama as President. He has so many problems ahead of him, I give him my prayers for strength and good judgement.

The future looks a little scary right now, but I have a lot of hope for us. I was reading an article in the news that most people feel much the same way for now. Maybe we'll be forced to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and make a kinder, better world.

I know this is kind of long, and I've only hit the most important spots. Onward and upward to 2009!

Quiet Christmas

We had a quiet Christmas yesterday. The south wind was setting up a raquet though. I could never seem to figure out if it was snowing lightly, or if all the flakes in the air were just being blown around from existing snow. There was about an inch of snow on the roads though, so MaryLou drove down to get Maureen for dinner.

I cooked dinner, nothing too elaborate, a cranberry pork loin. We did pig out on cheesecake for dessert. It seems that all three of us got food for Christmas, lots of chocolate. By 4 pm, MaryLou took Maureen home. Later, we realised we couldn't hear the wind anymore.We looked out and it was snowing like crazy.

Today, I got up with a sinus headache around 5 am and took ibuprofen. I got up at 6:30am and got warm clothes on to go out and dig out from the storm. We had at least 6 inches,maybe a little more. By the time we cleared the driveway, porches and walkway, it was after 8am. I cleared my car a bit, but need to finish. I got snow in my boot and my pant bottoms were snow crusted. One of my feet was so cold that it ached for awhile after I got into the warmth. My head was still hurting, so I finally decided not to go to work today, I'll make it tomorrow though. Can't afford to take too much off.

We're actually seeing some blue sky here and there.It's really cold though, about 22degrees. I don't know why I grump and groan about the cold and snow every winter. After all, it is winter, and it comes every year whether I want it to or not. Maybe I should find something fun to do in the winter that I could look forward to every year. Might work, as long as it doesn't require driving in ice and snow. Lotsa luck, right?

Odds and Ends

It's been an interesting week or two. We finally got busy at Sam's Club with the Taste of Sam's event. Every week-end after that was pretty busy. People aren't buying as lavishly as they have the past couple of years, but they are still buying some of the things they really like, even if the price is a bit higher. I was really getting tired from the extra hours, plus we've been required to work later hours. All of our week day shifts are from 11 am to 7pm. That puts me home pretty late. Last Friday we had a pretty big snow storm and it took me 2 hours to get home. Things will slow down for awhile now.Maybe I can get rested up.

My daughter-in-law got me started on Facebook. It's been kind of fun, so far. There's a lot of fun things you can do. I've already added some friends, of course they're all related, except for my grandson's fiance, and she will soon be officially related, though she's already part of the family.

The weather up in the Northwest has been scary. I think they have more snow in the Portland area than we hae in the Salt Lake/Tooele area. I worried about my family being on the road, but it seems that it's been so cold, that one cars'battery went dead, and another had a flat tire, so they're not on the road too much for awhile. Instead of road problems, they have to worry about cabin fever.

It's been pretty cold today, or at least seemed so with a south wind blowing in another storm. Christmas Day is supposed to have a pretty heavy snow storm. We're staying home,but my Aunt Maureen is coming here for dinner. If the storm gets too bad, I guess MaryLou or I can drive her back and forth.

We spent the morning going into Salt Lake to visit Mom and Michele's graves and put some poinsetias on them. All day, I've felt that something was missing. It's been like waiting for someone to arrive, so Christmas could begin. There's kind of an empty space in the house right now.

Lisa did a beautiful version of one of the pictures she had taken of Michele and sent it to MaryLou and I. It is really special and we both cried when we saw it, but we appreciate it so much. Lisa always sends out a family picture for thier Christmas card. Solanah is included this year too. The family always has wonderful poses and attitude for the picture. They all should be on the stage.

I've been a little lax on my posting. Sorry, but I've been pretty tired after work and busy on days off, maybe a little lazy as well.Hopefully, I'll get better

Blah, Blah, Blah

As you may see from my title, I'm not in too great a mood. I've been trying to post at least once a week, more if I can. I'm just putting down words to say I've posted.

Christmas is next week. There's not much to say about it, except that I'll be through doing a 4 day work week, that's nice. It will be a very quiet day for us, I think. It will be white, I'm sure. We haven't got huge amounts of snow, just persistant storms coming through. I could even deal with that,I think, if it wasn't so blasted COLD! It'sabout 15 degrees out there now. I need to replace my windshield wiper blades before Friday's storm,but I'm really resisting going out in the cold.

When things get dark and I get grumpy, it's time to find something to be grateful for. I filled my gas tank for under $12 last Sunday. Prices for gasoline are about $1.39 per gallon, so far. That's something to be grateful for. We have a roof over our heads and the furnace works. Our shower is done and works. I still have a job and, so far, my hours haven't been cut. I enjoy the people I work with. I enjoy most of my customers, especially the babies and toddlers. I have a wonderful family,even though it is one smaller this year. The snow is only inches deep, not more than a foot deep as it was last year. We are starting to pile it up in the mountains. I have books to read, crafts to do, the internet to play with. I have clothing to counteract the cold, and I don't have to work in the cold, like some. I guess I have things pretty good and if I'm open to the possibilities, things will get better and better. I know all that, but, just for today, I'm still a little grumpy, but I'll be better tomorrow.

Procrastination

Today the sun is shining brightly. We have just a light breeze and the temp is around 35 degrees. We ended up with about 2 inches out of Monday's storm. I hoped if I ignored it, that it would melt. Unfortunately, we are on the wrong side of the street. We face North. This time of year, the sun is toward the south, so it's mostly behind the house as it goes across the sky. That means that the house shades the walk ways and quite a bit of the driveway. Anyway, the snow was still there this morning. I finally had to bite the bullet and go shovel. Of course, by now, there are footsteps and ice all over, so the walks and driveway are only partially clean. Hopefully, what sun we do manage to get, will melt at least some of the packed snow and ice. If I had not procrastinated, the snow might be gone by now.

To go on with my exciting life; I'm not sure if MaryLou's dreaded virus is aware of me or not, since I always have some sinus problems in the cold weather. MaryLou isn't coughing so much, but she still has a full head. We both got good news from Social Security today, a nice 5% cost of living raise. With me still working and paying into the program, I usually get a little boost in December,which is nice. Considering my salary, it's just a little boost, but better than nothing.

I work the next 4 days and we may get snow. After last year, I'm not looking forward to the commute. Hopefully, it won't be as bad as last year. After the holidays, we may get slower at work and I may get hours cut. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the economy does, just like everyone else.

Snowy Day

Today it's snowing. It's supposed to be a light snow. I guess it is, as it's been coming down for about 3 hours and there's only about an inch accumulation on my car, so far. The ground is still a bit warm, so it took awhile before it started laying. I can appreciate the snow today, as I have the day off, just the laundry to do.

I love how quiet it seems when it is snowing. Of course, if there's a wind, and it's a blizzard, it's not too quiet. Rain makes a sound when it lands, but snow just settles lightly down. I'm trying to find reasons to be happy about snow, can you tell? I mean, we live in high desert country and we really need the snow, so I might as well try to like it, at least a little. As a child, I liked snow quite a bit. I built snow men and snow forts and made snow angels. Obviously, I didn't drive at the time. I even liked to help clean the walks, just because I didn't have to.

My Aunt, MaryLou is not feeling so well. She's bundled up in her quilt, forcing fluids, trying to fend off a cold. I'm hoping to avoid catching it, as I really don't have time to be sick. Maybe, if I'm very quiet, the virus won't notice me?

The Season

Today, we were thinking about how much Christmas decorating we were planning to do this year. Our nieghbors have their lights up and lighted figures out. All over the city and county as well, there are lights springing up everywhere. I halfway expected to see fewer displays this year, what with the recession and all. I guess that either people are putting up a show of hope, or maybe just doing what they always do, out of habit.

We've decided to leave our lighted figures in the basement. We'll probably use some small lights on the fence, just to show the neighbors we're still here. We've got our wreaths up and the mailbox decorated. Indoors, we've put out one or two things. We may put out a little more, but niether of us feels like going all out this year. The economy plays some part, but mostly it's because we are still in mourning. I imagine this year will be the biggest problem, and that it will fade a bit with time, but, for now, my heart just isn't into a lot of decorating. That doesn't mean that Christmas will mean any less. In fact, it will probably mean more, in many ways.

Our weather is still on the mild side. Last year on Dec.1st, we had a huge storm. I'm not feeling left out though. I'm still driving into Salt Lake 4 days a week, so milder weather is easier. I'm sure it won't last forever. I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

We have new stores in Tooele. A new Big 5 Sports opened recently, and a new Sears appliance store had their grand opening on "black Friday" and did very well. We have a new Gold's Gym being built that will open around the 20th of Jan. Right now, you can join for $21 per month. I've been trying to decide if I can afford it or not. I'm just a little worried that things at work will slow down in January and my hours might go down. Last year stayed fairly busy, but this year could be different. I guess only time will tell. In any case, we're still surviving, plumbing bills and all.

Thanksgiving, 2008

I've frequently railed at the fact that Thanksgiving seems to get lost between Halloween and Christmas. Now, I'm thinking that might be a good thing. It hasn't become quite so commercialised as the other holidays. There are still advertisements for food and all, but not the unrelenting push to buy, buy, buy.

Today I'm thankful for many things, some big, some small. All of these things add to a life lived. Most of all, I'm thankful for my family. I have a wonderful Son and Daughter-in-law who have given me 3 wonderful Grandchildren. I don't see them anywhere near enough, but by seeing them less often, I notice all the ways they are growing and maturing. They are positively amazing in thier accomplishments and thier great views on life. I miss them a lot. I'm so thankful that they are what and who they are.

I lost my beloved Daughter this last spring. Sometimes it's very hard to find things to be thankful for in this occurance. However, I am thankful that I was with her at the end. I'm thankful that I was able to see the many people she touched and made a difference to in her life. Despite the pain of her passing, I will be forever thankful that she was a part of my life.

I have two wonderful Aunts who have been there for me my whole life and who, in many ways, saved me when the bottom fell out of my financial life.

There are many seemingly small things to be grateful for, that really make life a blessing. There's sunshine and rain and even snow and wind. There's flowers and trees and weeds and all the other living things that we share this planet with that add to our lives. Even the lowly mesquito has it's place,(I guess). Being able to stop and rest can be wonderful, especially when you've done the work that got you tired.

I'm thankful for my belief in God and my sense of His presence, that small voice within that gives you love and ideas. I'm thankful for all the people that are also a part of God, and therefore me. I'm thankful for the ability to choose, whether that choice works out or not. Hopefully, I take the choice that's founded in love oftener than not.

In this time of uncertainty in the world, may we all make choices based in love and hope and gratitude and we will make for a better world. As the saying goes, "become the change you want to see in the world."

"Taste of Sam's"

"Taste of Sam's" is over for another year. It's always nice to have it over, especially if it was busy. It was definitely busy!

Every year, usually the weekend before Thanksgiving, Sam's Club has an event called, A Taste of Sam's " where we go all out to demo the new holiday products, as well as the tried and true products. Of course, I'm speaking of food products. We have the whole demo staff involved, some cooking in the kitchen and trying to keep up with demand. The rest of us are on the sales floor, serving the members and their guests. We are generous with the products and keep serving from 10:30 AM until 6:00 PM, then we have to clean up. We do this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I was on the dessert table all 3 days, changing partners each day. We gave out samples of cheesecake every day, always one flavor from The Cheesecake Factory, plus a couple of other brands we carry. We offered apple crisp, nice and warm, with vanilla bean ice cream. We had mini eclairs and cream puffs, sugar cookies and something called profiteroles, which are like puffed pastry dipped in chocolate with flavored cream fillings. Two days we offered fair trade coffee, and one day eggnog.

You have to pretty much get an assembly line going, putting all the samples on a plate and getting them out to people. Bear in mind that you're serving from frozen cheesecake that needs to be cut all day. When we were serving ice cream, we had to keep it from melting as much as possible. We'd just get going good, when someone would want coffee or eggnog and one of us would have to stop to pour. Because of temperature concerns, the drinks couldn't be put out early.

We were busy all three days, but Saturday was unrelenting. Of course, each of us had to take breaks and lunch, leaving the other to slog on by themselves.

The first two days, we were taking cheesecakes out of the freezer maybe 2 at a time, so they were pretty frozen. It really became difficult to cut them. On Sunday, I took 4 each of the 2 cakes we were doing and let them soften up while we were getting set up for the day. That worked a little better, but by the 4th cake, it was soft enough to be sticking to the knife. We figure we served 2000 people.

I went home each night and had to put heat packs on my right hand.With carpel tunnel and arthritis, I was pretty uncomfortable. In fact, all day on Monday, I wore my brace, which I usually only wear at night.

By Sunday night, we were all pretty tired. At least I've got 4 days off now. I did the washing yesterday, going up and down the basement stairs and packing up the clean clothes while MaryLou worked on the tile for the shower. She got the area around the tub faucet re tiled while worked. Today, we went down to Home Depot to get a few more tiles and realised that we were both really tired and needed a day off, so we are relaxing for the rest of the day.

Happy Birthday,Michele

Michele, I wish you Happy Birthday, Honey. I really miss you! I hope that you are doing all the things you were unable to do during your life, like talking to anyone, not needing to sign. I'm sure the Angels have always understood you just fine, but hopefully you're sounding off on all your thoughts out loud now.

It doesn't quite seem like you've been gone 6 months. There are so many ways that you are missed. The up coming holidays seem very changed without you. Aunt MaryLou and I each bought a pumpkin to put on the porch. After Halloween, we smashed the pumpkins in remembrance of you. You always loved "turkey day". It will not seem the same this year.In fact, we haven't the heart to cook up a Thanksgiving dinner, we'll probably go out,which you also enjoyed doing once in awhile.

Michele, you touched the lives of many people, especially your family. You added some interesting dimentions and experiences. Thank you for all of those experiences. Thank you for all the love you gave us. As your Mother, I felt your unconditional love and I am grateful for it. I only wish I had been as unconditional with you. Miss you Honey.

Repairs

Have you noticed that, very often, when you think you have a simple repair job, it just seems to grow? Our cold water tap in the bathtub was leaking. It's an older home, so I figured that we could just take off the tap and replace a washer, just like we did in the"old days". My Aunt informed me that the pipes went back into the kitchen and we needed a special long wrench that we didn't have.We'd wait until we could afford to call the plumber. By that time, the leak wasn't a drip, but a stream.I shudder to think how much water was going down the drain everyday!

When the plumber came out, he said he liked to change out both taps at once. The hot water tap came out fine, but the cold one wouldn't budge. Since the back of the pipes are under one of the bottom cabinets in the kitchen, it would be very hard to get to them. We decided to let him go through the front, removing some of the tile to get to it. The cold water valve was stripped out and needed to be replaced. Considering the house was built around 1945, and these are the original taps, they've held up very well. Since the cost of a one handeled faucet set is compareable in price to the original 2 handles one, we decided to go with the single handle. We still have some of the original tile downstairs, we planned on replacing it ourselves. We even decided to go ahead with having a shower plumbed in, rather than keeping our useless handheld one.

As you can probably imagine, costs are climbing! Once the water valve and shower pipe were in, we realised we might not be up to repairing the holes in the wall ourselves, even though the plumber told us what to do, and I had seen my Father do it, we really lack the experience and tools, Now we have someone else coming in on Saturday to do the sheetrock work to close both of the holes. We are still going to do the tilework. We've both done that before. Unfortunatly, we don't have enough of the old tile. We're hoping there's enough to tile around the tap. MaryLou forgot she used some of the tile on her old kitchen cabinets. We'll look for a match, but the tile was originally bought in the 60's, so we may have to get creative with what we put around the shower and around the window. Oh well, it will be wonderful to have a working shower.

Another thing that seems to happen frequently. Having to almost clean out my savings account after I've finally got it built up, and so close to Christmas too. I guess I need to turn it around and be grateful that I have money in savings to help, right?

Barack Obama Wins

I have been a supporter of Barack Obama for quite awhile, though I did vote for Hillary Clinton in the primary election. As the campaign went on, I became a little worried about Bill Clinton's role in a Hillary administration. As we all know, Obama hung on to become the Democratic candidate for the presidency.

I started out pulling for Obama because he was Democrat and not Bush, but I soon began to listen to his speeches and saw something that I hadn't seen in years, a candidate to vote for, not just someone who was the lesser of 2 evils. I can't believe what that did to my outlook. Finally, someone to get excited about! I signed up to get emails from the Obama campaign, I donated to a political campaign for the first time in my life. I discussed the issues with friends and co-workers. I have to say, I went into election day with excitement, but with a little bit of forboding. After the disappointment of the last 2 elections, I guess I was worried that John McCain would pull a rabbit out of his hat at the last minute.

I was amazed at the early decision! I couldn't believe, at first, that the news was calling the election right after the polls had closed on the west coast. I held my breath for awhile,then let myself believe. I think when I saw McCain giving his concession speech, that it became real to me at last. A note on McCain's speech; it was very nice and like the "real" McCain was back. I'm not sure what happened to him during the campaign, but it didn't seem like McCain was the man that we'd known for years.

President elect, Obama, gave a very inspiring acceptance speech, bringing a lump to my throat several times. He seems fully aware that his job will not be easy. There is so much to do, so many problems, he's going to need all the help he can get. He's asked for our support and sacrifice. Isn't it nice for a political leader to ask that, rather than do tell us, like Pres Bush did after 9/11 to go shopping.? The American people are better than that, they just need to have someone believe in them, as Pres elect Obama does.

It's very early yet to make judgements,but I feel a breath of fresh air and a sense of change.

This and That 2

I was just noticing that I have only posted 2 times in October. October is 2/3 over. Opps! I guess I've been a bit lazy. I know I'm not writing in my journal as much either. I guess sometimes I either don't have anything to say, ot what I might say doesn't feel important enough to get myself writing.

I've spent the morning loading stuff picked up at the storage yesterday from the car to the house. I had a lot of jewelry that I've collected or been given over the years. Some I will take to the D.I. for give away,and some I will scavenge for parts for new jewelry.

I can't believe how many books I have collected, many of them unread! I've taken some to the D.I for give away, but it's kind of hard to part with some of them. Eventually, I will probably bring myself to give some more of them away. I noticed in the newspaper that the SLC public library was selling books for a rediculously low price and thought, "Wow! Just what I need, more books!"

The "Nearly"Last Rose of summer

I took this picture a few days ago. It's not as clear as I'd like, too wiggley. I planted about a dozen lilys on the east side of the house. MaryLou planted some bulbs in the front. I also planted a pretty lavender and white mum and a lavender plant. The strange thing about the lavender plant is that it ends up out of the ground every few days. The soil around it looks like someone either hit the plant with a ball or something, or that something, like a cat has been rolling over the plant until it's out of the dirt. It does smell very nice, though it isn't blooming. The leaves just smell good. I wonder if some neighborhood cat thinks it's as good as catnip?

Anyway, I've replanted it twice, this last time moving it to the front of the house, near the front porch. I hope it stays this time. I might have to move it to the back yard, but then I'll have to deal with Lady.

Life has been a bit strange lately. I suspect that's true for many of us. With all of the uncertainty due to our financial melt-down, plus the coming election, with the requisit mud-slinging, I guess we're entitled to be a little on edge. For myself, I have to add the fun of working in a retail setting with everyone worried about this next season,whether it will be okay or whether sales will be flat. I still have to increase my working days, and goals seem harder than ever to reach. Management seems to be pushing a bit harder than last year. One semi bright spot is gasoline prices coming down a bit.

I've been going through my smaller storage unit lately. The goal is to clear it out by this month's end, so I can save the money I'm spending on it. I've been going through some old pictures. In a way, that has been somewhat bittersweet, seeing my children as babies and toddlers, then growing up. I'm still dealing with Michele's loss and seeing her baby pictures is a bit hard, plus all the holidays coming up haven't helped. I just try to focus on good things. Like today, Maureen took MaryLou and I to breakfast. It was a beautiful day. The sky was so blue it almost hurt your eyes. No matter the worry, there's always something beautiful to see.

Quiet Sunday

It's Sunday, and I'm off work. I'm ignoring politics and the economy and spending a quiet day.

It rained yesterday and snowed in the mountains. It's October and time for the LDS Conference, so it storms. I'm not sure why, but probably 90% of the time, we do get storms during fall conference and spring conference as well. The timing of the events is probably the most logical reason for the inclemant weather.

I worked yesterday and it was just sprinkling when I arrived at the store, but throughout the day, I would see members coming in with wet hair or wet overcoats. On my way home, there were still patches of rain, some even heavy. I turned to the south, on my way into Tooele. I looked to the southwest and I could see a little clearing of the clouds on top of South Willow Peak. There it was, the first snow of the season! As I traveled closer to Tooele, I could see snow above Middle canyon and Settlement canyon. It was very pretty.

It seems strange that I welcome the snow, when just a few months ago I was cursing it. I could say that snow in the mountains is welcome, which it is. We live in a high desert state and we depend on snow in the mountains. Still, I will admit that snow can be beautiful for it's own sake and I certainly can enjoy a quiet snow falling outdoors while I view it from the warmth of home with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. I even enjoy being out in a snow storm, as long as I have nowhere to go and can retreat back indoors when my feet and hands get cold. I guess there's just something compeling for me, in the changing of the seasons. Isn't it a shame that we so quickly, get tired of each season, and look forward to the next one. The one season I really like to draw out longer is Fall. I enjoy October and November very much, especially October. It has to be my favorite month. I love the cooler temperatures, the turning leaves, the harvest. I love pumpkins. We'll soon be buying some, displaying them on the porch, and looking forward the the grand smashing on Halloween, to honor Michele's momory.

I'm Confused

I've got to say, on one hand, I'm somewhat pleased that the House of Representatives didn't pass the bailout bill. I will say that I'm quite surprised though. I thought they were all scared by the financial crisis. I guess they were more frightened of the voters, at least those who are up for re-election this year. I'm sure they heard from many of thier constituents who were against taxpaper money being used to prop up the companies who gambeled and lost. On the other hand, if the government does nothing, we're most likely in for a deep recession, which may last for more than months, more likely for 2 or 3 years, according to some accounts I've read. I'm not too excited to go through a recession. In my job, I'm already seeing customers curtail thier spending to mainly necessities.

I read an article in the Christian Science Monitor that says that the government should not artificially prop up the economy, that it will only postpone the changes that need to be made in our ways of doing bussiness. They also feel that we just will get another melt down later on that will be even worse. Unfortunately,what the US does or doesn't do affects the rest of the world. Our markets and finances are so intertwined throughout the world, that a recession won't just affect the US, but much of the rest of the world.

I am certainly not qualified to figure out what we should do. My heart goes out to those who are facing foreclosure due to subprime mortgages. I have certainly been there myself. In fact, the company who held my mortgage, has already gone under itself. I guess we just watch and hope and do a little praying that those in power do the right thing. I don't think "we the people" are helpless though. We can mend our own dealings as much as possible, pay down debts if possible, don't take on any more debt if we can help it. Maybe it's time we got away from the instant gratification attitude many of us have and think over any big purchases we may have been planning, even though that might make a problem for retailers. We just need to get back to living within our means. Buying on credit and buying anything that's new has a lot to do with the problems we're facing now, the housing bubble bursting was just the trigger.

Questions About Economics

I have often scratched my head, trying to understand how it is that the American economy seems to depend on my spending money. Everytime there's a blip on the economic radar, it seems it's because people didn't spend as much as expected on back to school products or on holiday giving. Is our gross national product the spending of money by the populace? It seems so much of our economy depends, not just on our spending money, but on our investing in companies, and even on our using credit.

I was reading an oped article by Harold Myerson, who is a writer and editor of American Prospect and the L.A. Weekly. He is of the opinion that the failing companies like Lehman Brothers and Merril Lynch deserve to die due to their poor management and greed. He mentions that over the last 8 years, the U.S. economy has created only 5 million jobs, and the median income of American households has declined. Our infrastucture is failing,(bridges, roads, airports) New Orleans has not been rebuilt. He asserts that American productivity within the United States is no longer the prime target of investment. Now household consumption, known as shopping, comprises 70% of our economy---that's 70%, people. We get to keep our country afloat economically by spending more of our decreasing income on products from China.

Mr Meyerson goes on to lambast Wall Street for turning thier backs on America, only caring about profit and themselves. He says that it wasn't always this way. In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, bankers like August Belmont and J.P. Morgan invested European capital in American rail roads and steel. The Whig party, a forerunner to the Republican party, committed to develope the country's infrastructure. Later, as the Republican party, they created land grant colleges to help the populace get an education. The currant Rebulican party seems to have loyalty only to large corporations. These are the same corporations that want Americans to take on more debt to buy more things that they probably don't need, then cry foul when these people can't pay their debt. Now these corporations are beginning to admit that they may have pushed credit onto people who really weren't able to handle that much credit.

I'm not totally comfortable with the Treasury's huge bail-out proposal either. Other than the government buying subprime mortgages, there doesn't seem to be a lot of info on what will actually be done. The fact that one man will have all that power with little or no oversight is a recipe for disaster. I know Congress is trying to put in oversight, as well as some help for individuals,but it is tough going. Hopefully, they will stay in session until it gets done better,and not take the easy way out just so they can get home to campaign for re-election. It seems, to me, that the electorate would be more impressed by seeing them doing thier jobs.

Rain

Since the subject today is rain, I thought I would add a picture of a rain storm we recieved on Labor day this year. We received over an inch of rain in this storm. Since Tooele is in the foothills of the western side of the Oquirrah Mountains, any appreciative amount of rain will run downhill to the North or West. This day, it even ran over the parking and onto the sidewalk.

We got a lovely rain yesterday morning. It was gentle, one of Mother Nature's gifts. I enjoyed watching it. I was also thankful that we didn't have to do our usual Monday lawn watering. I was able to start the laundry early, and finished just after 1 pm. Usually, I have to wait until 10am, when we're supposed to finish the morning watering. That puts me later finishing the laundry. There's just not enough water pressure to water the lawn and run the washer too.

The rain reminded me of the storm we had Saturday in Salt Lake. We had several minutes of thunder, then it started raining on our store's metal roof. What a racket. I was regreting that I couldn't get out to see the rain. That's the trouble with having no windows. The skylights just aren't the same thing.

A member came by my cart to try a sample of my chicken salad. He had a baby with him that looked to be no more than a year old, or less. We talked about the storm and he went on to tell me that he had rushed up to the front door so he could show the rain to his little son, but by the time he got there, the rain had stopped. I thought about how sweet it was that he wanted to share the storm with his child. A little later, I heard the rain start up again and I hoped that he had been able to share it with the baby.

Fall Outing

Ididn't have to work last Sunday, and MaryLou didn't have church, so we decided to take a little trip into the mountains and see whether the fall follage was out. We invited Maureen and planned to make a day of it. We went to the Alpine Loop above Timpanogus. I discovered that while I don't get carsick when I'm doing the driving, I don't do too well as a passenger.

The leaves were just beginning to turn, mostly the scrub oaks and box elder trees. Only a few of the quakies were turning. The colors weren't as bright as I had hoped. It's been a very dry summer. That's usually the case when the colors are a bit on the dull side. The picture on the bottom was taken as we went on the Mirror Lake highway, the one on the top was on the Alpine Loop. We went on to Evanston.WY. We stopped there for lunch.

We've had a disease in the lodge pole pines aroung the state for several years. I was really sad to see how bad it has spread. There are many trees that are like dry sticks, and many others with the red, dry needles of the disease. It almost looks as if there are as many diseased trees as there are healthy ones. I'm not sure whether loggers could get to the trees on the steeper slopes or if they would even want to. To be truthful, we could probably use a fire to clear out the diseased trees. Of course, that would take out the healthy ones too.

We probably would see more color in another week or so, but with me working weekends and gasoline still a little too pricey for another trip,I guess this will have to do for this year.

We Need To Read Carefully

I've been reading an article from The Christian Science Monitor, whom I consider to be fairly objective. This article advised people to be careful about reading articles about Sarah Palin, and not take things written at face value. The author chastises the media for not reporting objectively and backing down from doing their research and homework,bowing down to the GOP campaign people. Things that were reported in the early days of Gov. Palin's pick as Sen McCain's running mate, were not followed up on. Soon, the press was parroting the party line,as the GOP tries to "create its' own reality".

The problem for many average, busy people, is that they see campaign spots repeatedly, and because they either don't have time or don't know where to research for whatever is true, they end up believing what they see and hear constantly and vote that way. Later, we all begin to wonder how we got into another mess, or why things don't get any better.

Considering the last nearly 6 years, I think it's important to look at many sources and read as much as we can before we make up our minds on election day. We need to use our brains as well as feelings to decide how to vote. Please don't vote on looks, your nieghbors' advise or the wishes of whatever group you may belong to.

Thoughts and Feelings

Yesterday, I was doing some cleaning and dusting in my room. I was cleaning one of the 8x10 pictures I have of Michele, when I suddenly felt such a wave of grief and disbelief that it almost felt like punch in my stomach. I thought,"I can't believe she's really gone!" These things hit me, usually with no warning, just some little thing can trigger it. Later, I realised that it was Sept. 8th, Michele has been gone for 4 months. It still seems quite unreal to me, for some reason.

I'm working a little bit more lately. We are so short handed at work right now. Last Friday we had 4 people call in sick, plus our new co-ordinator has been in the hospital. There has been lots of shifting of demos and hours. Next month we will probably see an increase in the amount of demos with the up coming holiday season. I'm sure I'll be pressed to work more days. I'll probably work some more, but with every extra trip, it costs more in gasoline. Prices are coming down a bit, but Utah still has one of the highest costs, tied with Montana, in the nation. Unfortunately, with the higher food prices, it's getting harder to get our sales goals. Thank goodness I've already had my yearly review.

The weather is cooling some and we've actually had a couple of good rain storms. Our summer water total by Aug. 27, was just .41 inch. Over Labor Day weekend, we recieved 1.11 inch of rain in Tooele. We finally have some green in the yard. I was afraid we were going to have to convert to sage brush. It's cloudy and breezy today. We're expecting rain this evening and tomorrow. It will be welcome. I must say, I've certainly remembered , with fondness, MaryLou and my trip to Long Beach summer before last. There was so much water compared to Utah!

Book Review

I just finished a book by Sue Monk Kidd called "The Mermaid Chair". This is a very good book about a woman going through, essentially, a mid-life crisis. She begins feeling restless when her only daughter goes off to college. The woman has what most would call, a very successful marriage, but the cracks are starting to show. She is an artist who has limited herself to making little art boxes. Things come to a head when she is informed that her mother has cut off her finger with a cleever.

The woman, Jessie, goes home to be with her mother on the little South Carolina barrier island where she grew up, a place she had happily escaped to go to college. Now, she must deal with her mother's possible madness,and her own confused feelings about her home, her mother, and her fathers' violent death when Jessie was 9 years old.

A very important feature is the monestery where the Mermaid Chair resides, a chair honoring its' patron Saint. She resists any help from her psychiatrist husband, in fact tells him to keep away.

We meet very colorful people from the island, and dog Max. Jessie also meets Brother Thomas, to whom she is instantly and strongly attracted. We get to know several of the other resident monks.

It is a book told with compassion and passion. Jessie finds a part of herself that she repressed at the time of her father's death. In fact, in many ways, his death is the focal point of the book. I highly reccomend it.

Sundays

Here I am, playing hooky, not going to church. I have just started to get every other Sunday off. For my whole time working for Sam's Club I have worked every Sunday unless it was a holiday, like Easter. I took one off because of a flat tire. I took one off for illness and 2 off when we lost Michele. I'm wanting to enjoy a day of not needing to do anything. I've never been particularly active in church, not since my teens in an almost totally Mormon town. Now, the thought of spending 3 hours in church on Sunday, does not really delight me. I really don't have much to wear except my funeral outfit. I worry that I'm letting my Aunt down, as she is secretary of the ward relief society.

While I suppose that I'm not particularly religious, I do consider myself to be very spiritual. I speak to God every day, and try to remember to be grateful for His gifts every night. I've studied many religions as I was growing up, and I found truth in all that I've studied. There may not be total truth, but most have quite a bit of truth.

I think that you can always find answers by praying for them and listening for answers with your heart, not your head. For a person, like me, who seems to need to analyse everything to death, that can be hard. I'm working on silencing the mind a bit, so I can hear my heart. I guess the answers from the heart have more emotional feeling, and compassion. I guess I'll keep plodding along, trying to do my best and trust in the Lord.

Healthcare Vs. Health Caring

I just read a short article in the magazine, Spirituality and Heath, Sept./Oct edition. The article was written by James Duffy, MD, who is the director of Religion and Health at the Texas Medical Center. He starts off by stating that our healthcare system is growing at such a rate, that it will constitute our whole gross national product within 65 years. I'm not sure if that is, indeed, a correct assumption or not, but it really gives me a frightening picture of how big our healthcare system has become. I have certainly read reports that of any modern, industialized country, we pay more for healthcare and recieve, many times, less care than other countries in the world. Yet, supposedly, we are one of the richest nations in the world, or we were. That may not be true anymore, given our national debt. There are still many people in America who earn reasonable salaries, but fewer people can afford to pay for insurance, and having insurance is no guarentee of finding medical service.

The main point that Dr. Duffy makes, is that there is a need for this country to revamp our healthcare system and create a healthcaring system. He goes on to point out the differences in each system. He comes up with 13 different points, but I'll just mention the ones that resonate most with me.

Number 1; Our healthcare system is an industry driven by the profit motive. Heathcaring describes a system motivated by compassion for our community. Number 2 strikes me as so obvious; healthcare benefits from disease, while healthcaring benefits by the preservation of wellness. Number 6 makes such sense; healthcare tries to treat disease by subjugating nature, while healthcaring realises that nature should be used as an ally in treating disease and maintaining wellness. Number 8; healthcare sytems consider religion and sprituality to be irellavent in the outcome of disease, while healthcaring recognises the human spirit in finding wellness. Number 12; healthcare has demonstrated that it is not finacially sustainable, while healthcaring models have demonstrated financial stability.

I have not included all 13 points, as they can be found in the currant issue of the magazine. The points that Dr, Duffy made, I think, is that our currant healthcare system ignores the human part of the equation, it discounts the heart and soul of people, both the people being treated, and the people doing the treating. The patient is reduced to his/her disease and symptoms and many of those doing the treating are required to treat too many people in too little time in order to make a living, thus becoming less personal and ultimately, less caring.

Michelle Obama

I recieve regular emails from the Democratic party and Barrack Obama. Today, I received a video of Michelle's speech at the opening night of the convention. I read in the newspaper that she had given a good speech. After hearing and seeing it on video, I can say that is my opinion, it was a great speech! Now I feel that I know more about where Michelle and Barrack came from. She went into the kind of upbringing they had, parents and grandparents working to provide a better life for their kids, just like the lives most of us have had. She talked about the kind of work they had both done after college. She talked about her two daughters and her hopes for them

She reminded everyone that it's the 88th aniversary of women's right to vote and it's been 45 year since Dr Martin Luther King gave his "I have a dream" speech. The point she made about us having a choice to work for the America that can be, rather than settling for the America that is, really struck a chord with me.

She talked about workers and their needs, veterans and their families, the everyday average American that just wants to make a good life for his or her family. That sounds like the political party that I chose years ago. Hopefully, it's back and Washington is not too corrupt and set in it's ways to change.

The Olympics

I've been watching the Olympics. Thursday night, I stayed up until past midnight to watch the American women take gold and silver in the gymnastics "all around". I figured I wouldn't sleep if I tried to wait until the next day.

How about Michael Phelps?! What a great swimmer, what a great team that helped with the relay races! It was wonderful to see 41 year old Daria win a silver too. I watched the men swimming the 1500 meter. That's 30 laps of the length of the pool in around 15 minutes. I used to swim laps, for exercise, not speed. I would do 20 or25 laps in around 30 minutes, but I was swimming the width of the pool!

I watched the Romanian woman surge out of the pack in the women's marathon about half way into the race and never looked back. She finished way ahead of the second and third winners. I'm pretty impressed with anyone who even finishes a marathon. One woman,who lives in Salt Lake City, but runs for her native country, Slovakia, finished the marathon in 67th place. She had to stop twice toward the end because of hamstring cramps in her legs, but she kept going until the end. I think that takes as much courage as the winners. They were running to win and will have thier medals. The other woman was running for her country and really probably to finish, maybe as a point of honor to herself, though I'm only speculating.

The Jamacian, "Lightening" Bolt really put on a show. I watched him on Friday night during his trials, and he was almost dancing, he was so hyped. When he ran for the gold on Saturday,he broke a world's record, but I think he could have gone even faster, but just before the end, he looked around at the others and realised he'd make the gold, then he just glided into the finish, and he even kept running. Of course he orignally started running the 200 meter, not the 100.

On the whole, so far, the Olympics have been very nice.I always enjoy watching these people, who have devoted much time and effort get the chance to compete with others like themselves from around the world. It's very exciting to see them strive no matter what country they are from. I do enjoy seeing Americans win, but I get a kick out of seeing someone from a small country that doesn't win much, kick butt and win over the odds and bring a medal home.

Mom, Still Missed

I was looking through some of my pictures and this one btought back memories of Mom. This was taken at Murray Park. It was the summer picnic for the clients of Oquirah Dialysis Center. This was Mom's last summer with us. I'm really glad that the picnic was here where there was a stream and woods for her to enjoy. She was getting to the point where she didn't get out and around so much. This was a nice break for her and she could be around the people she saw 3 days a week in a more relaxing and social way. I've looked through so many of the pictures that I took that last year and realised how sick she had gotten. When you're around them daily, sometimes you don't really notice how thin she had gotten. She had gotten forgetful sometimes, but she always had a really beautiful smile that she flashed often. She's been gone for a bit over 2 and 1/2 years, and I still think about her sometimes and miss her. Still, when I look at some of the pictures that show how sick and weak she had become, I know that I would not wish her back to that kind of life. I know she's happy and well and enjoying being with all that have gone before. I expect that she can enjoy having Michele sit on her lap again. I miss you both, and Dad as well, but I'm sure I'll see you all again.

Odds and Ends

I've been enjoying watching the Olympic coverage. Unfortunately, I end up staying up too late. I didn't get to see the opening ceremonies as I had a friend getting married on the auspicious date of 08/08/08. I didn't get home from the reception until most of the ceremonies were over. It's too bad there have been some things marring the "One World" goal of things.

The fact of Russia attacking Georgia is pretty sad. The Bush Administration's denoucing of Russia's act may be how the country feels, but to have Bush making noise to Russia for doing something that our own country, under Bush's command, did to not one, but 2 countries, seems a bit strange. It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

Bush seems to be enjoying watching the Olympics, like he's kicking back, ready to get into private life. Still, he's got 5 more months to do some damage. The latest thing he wants is when building projects come up, and decisions need to be made about enviornmental impact, he wants to take the scientists out of the loop. Whatever department is involved in the project can use thier own bosses to make decisions rather than letting anyone with scientific knowledge study things and make recomendations. I suppose that might save time and red tape, assumming that any government department could cut down on red tape, that is. Bush has always seemed to look upon scientists with distrust. I wonder how we got such an anti-intellectual as President. Just lucky, I guess.

Lady,Not To Be Left Out

I wouldn't want to leave out the animal that I'm currantly sharing a home with. This is my Aunt MaryLou's dog. Lady. She's probably Labrador and Retriever, and who knows what else. She's a little on the portly side. She really likes her food. If you are in the kitchen, making a sandwich or fixing a bagel, she will grab it and have it eaten if you're not aware of her love of bread. She loathes cats, will snag an unwary or slow bird, but she's afraid of thunder storms and fireworks. Today, I had her playing in the water, trying to grab it from the hose. It's been hot and she needs cooling off once in awhile. Maybe we should get her a haircut.

Jake,A Sweet Companion

This is Jake, my cat for quite a few years. I no longer have him and sometimes I miss him. He had a sweet disposition and was always ready to eat. Not surprising, he weighed 18 pounds. He also had short legs and the back ones toed out, so he looked a little funny from the back view when he walked. He was also quite long in the body, sort of like a feline dachshound. He was my alarm clock,since his tummy woke him early. It's pretty hard to sleep in with a 18 pound cat sitting on your chest meowing. Thank you Jake for the company and love for those years.

Sunday

Hey! It's Sunday, and I'm not at work. It feels a little strange, but nice. My team leads have started something new. There have been some people who have requested to only work every other Sunday and have been accomodated, while the rest of us have continued working every Sunday. It was believed that with a little tweaking, everyone could be changed to the every other Sunday schedule. We just have two groups exchanging Sundays and Thursdays with each other. This is my first Sunday, so I've decided to really enjoy it, just relaxing and doing mostly just what I want to do. It's kind of a good and not so good change though. One week, I only work 2 days together, Fri. and Sat. The next week, I work 4 days, Thur, Fri, Sat and Sun. The 4 days will make me tired I guess, so it's a trade off. Right now with having to mow the lawn and do the laundry every week, I get some exercise at least.

We're still waiting around to find out who our new boss is going to be. Hopefully, it will be someone who is willing to go along with the new schdule. Of course, when the Holidays roll around, we'll probably get busier and may have to work more Sundays. Who knows.

Speaking of holidays, we have some Halloween decorations in, as well as Fall decor. We've even got new toys in for display. Of course retail stores always jump the gun on new seasons and holidays, and warehouse stores are even more ahead.

Ouch!

I have been plagued with sinus headaches lately. It seems a little too early for my usual bout with allergies, but we've been getting a lot of smoke in the air from all those horrible California fires.

The other day, at work, I told one of my co-workers that my head felt like there were tiny little people with hammers and scrapers going at my sinuses from the inside,with a special batch using my eyeballs for punching bags. I even went home a couple of hours early.

I've been useing a gel nasal spray called Zicam, but today I started on the new over-the-counter antihistamine, Zertec. What's with all these medications starting with "z"? Anything to get attention, I guess. I mowed the lawn and still feel human. Maybe I've found something that will help.

Exciting News!

I just got some wonderful news. My oldest Grandson, Sam, is engaged! His wife-to-be is beautiful, sweet, fun and very talented. I will be very glad to welcome Solanah to the family.

I have such a sense of continuity today. The next generation of my family is beginning to take it's place in the drama of life, taking the steps that earlier generations have taken, but putting their own spin on it all. And well they should. Each generation joins the dance of life, and does it's own version of that dance. It will be interesting watching things unfold.

It's All Attitude

Last Friday, I went to workwith my usual reluctance, It's just that it's like my Monday and going back to work after a weekend. However, things got worse. When I got into work and went into the office to pick up my pay receipt, there was my Team Lead, Pat. All I really noticed was that she didn't have her sling on her arm. She said she was in physical therapy now and we moved on to getting my check stub. Since our last Human Resources person had lost her job, I thought Pat was just helping out. When I got back to our kitchen, I found out she had been promoted.

I'm quite ashamed to admit that my first thought was of myself and how things were going to change in my department. I did though, spare a moment to realise how great this was for Pat. She would get weekends off with only an ocaisional Saturday to work. Her daughter plays soccar, and also bowls competively, so now Pat can be there for her. She'll also get off her feet a bit too. I also realised that if one of her assisstants gets the lead position, there may not be a lot of change.

When I found out that I had to demo individual servings of fruit and single serve pizza, I was not very happy again. I hate doing two products that don't relate to each other very well. Still, you demo what you're assigned. While my oven was heating and then baking pizza, I pushed fruit servings, then, when the pizza was done, I'd pull back the fruit and put out the pizza. At least they were things that most people are willing to taste. Unfortunately, people will usually only buy one of the two products, not both, so It's nearly impossible to reach set goals.

It's amazing how tired you get when you are griping and complaining about your lot in life all day. The next day, I demoed chicken marinated with a spice called "Kickin Chicken" and showing it being marinated in a ziploc bag. It actually is pretty fun, but there's a lot of behind the scenes prep work, like cutting up 18 pounds of chicken and putting it into the marinade. Since I was working with raw chicken, it needed to be cooked to 180 degrees for safety. Fortunately, most of our members are educated enough to understand the safety issue. By my lunch time, I realised that I wasn't going to have enough chiken, so it was back to the kitchen to cut more.

Again, I went home very tired. That night I tried to figure how to improve my attitude. I know that if I'm grouchy and feeling put upon, I'm not going to be effective at my job. After all, it's a "people"job as most selling jobs are. Besides, it really is no fun and I'm old enough that I can't see spending a whole 8 hours having a bad time if I can help it!

The next day, I tried to focus on the things I like about my job like talking to people and making them smile,and interacting with the kids, especially the toddlers. I love seeing the babies and talking about and admiring them is the easiest way to interact with the grown ups. I had a very enjoyable day feeding people salad with 2 vinagrets I was showing. Yes, the demo was easier in the physical sense, not too much preparation, more customer interaction, but my attitude was better as well, and that, I think made all the difference. The nice part was that my sales were better too.

Wrong Direction

Lately, I've read so many letters to the editor in my local paper,"The Salt Lake Tribune", that are wondering what has happened to our country. How did all the changes happen? Where did we lose our way? As I was growing up, I always felt a pride in our country. We usually,if not always, took the high road in our dealings with other countries. I admit, looking back in history, we backed dictators in order to obtain something we wanted or needed, like oil, or military bases. I guess we just overlooked some things. Maybe that's why we are where we are now.

I'm very uncomfortable with our new reputation as a country that condones and practices torture. I wrote a post about this a few months ago, and I got a comment from someone that these prisoners deserved it for being terroerists and I wasn't a very good American to be questioning my President. How do people get that way?

I'm also not comfortable with the Administration's insistance that it be allowed to practise wire-tapping and spying without court orders and prescious little over-sight. Recently, a bill to restrict habeas corpus failed going through by only one vote, just one vote! We changed the make-up of the legislature last election, but we're still getting the same old stuff.

I guess polititions over the world and throughout time, have been aware that people are influenced by fear more than most other things, but the use of fear to push this administrations policies has been refined to an art, it seems.

We can look forward to a change of president this next year, but I'm worried that whoever gets elected, may find that playing to the fears of the public to get their programs across, will be too attractive to ignore.

Marking Time

Today is July 8, 2008. It has been 2 months since my Daughter, Michele died. It really isn't that much time, I remind myself when I start thinking that I should be farther along the road of mourning. I think sometimes we think that if we put in a certain amount of time feeling the pain, remembering our loved one and missing them, that it should be done and the pain gone. I suspect that is not the case. I've never lost a child before, so have no frame of reference. I pray that I never lose another child, it is not only painful, but seems against "the way of things" as well. I've talked to other mothers who have gone through this, some just a few years ago, another more than 15 years ago. The concensus seems that the pain never completely ends. Many things can open the heart to memory and bring pain again. It seems though, that eventually, the pain is less intense, memories more bittersweet, as time goes by.

My Mother died just after Thanksgiving, in 2005. The grief was intense in the immediate moments after she passed, but feelings soon were tempered by the fact that her death had been expected, and also by the fact that she was 87 years old and in very poor health. She lived with me for over 4 years, her quality of life deminishing gradually, until the last few months, her life seemed only trips for dialysis, a little TV and lots of sleeping. It seems to make a difference in the grief process, if you can recognise that for some, death is a release from pain and loss of freedom and interest in life. We still miss them greatly, but can feel they are in a better place. My Father's release from his life was like that. He suffered from Parkinson's disease which he experienced less as a trembling disease, than a freezing disease. He lost his ability to walk without falling, then his muscles became frozen,unable to straighten, unable to swallow, unable to even talk without having to force words out in a shout. He went from a very active man, sure of his ability to take care of himself and his family, to a shadow of himself, dependant on his wife for everything. In the end, I sensed that he was waiting for death.

Losing a child, on the other hand, seems quite different. You expect to be outlived by your children. Maybe, if you have a child who is sick, it might be different, but even then, you are probably praying for a miracle. Having that child die with little or no warning also makes things difficult. I see children killed in auto accidents or other kinds of violent loss, like the little 7 year old girl who died from a drive by shooting this week, and my heart goes out to the families. While I can't really say that I know what they are going through, I don't really, I can imagine pretty well due to my own experience, but only that, imagine it. I can't imagine how the parents who lose children due to some preventable accident can keep from being angry and bitter. Still, all the anger in the world can never return a loved one. As for myself, I just try to remember all the wonderful memories, and be grateful for the time I had my daughter, and be grateful for the rest of my wonderful family who are well and with me in this life. I also look forward to seeing my sweet Michele and my loving parents once again when my time comes to join them.

Just Rambling

It turns out that we had, I think, 9 days of 60 degrees in June this year, in the Salt Lake City area. That's 2 0r 3 times normal. We even had a day in the 50s. We have not had 100 degree days yet except in Tooele, on July 1st. Still, it went from 60s to 70s to 80s in about 4 days. Now we are in the 90s every day, usually mid to upper 90s. Yesterday was 98. I keep remembering last year when we had mid to upper 90s for a record number of days, plus a record number of triple digit days as well. It's hard to remember the very snowy and cold winter we had when you're cooking. To add insult to injury, despite the snowy winter, we had a cool but dry spring, so we still need to conserve water.

I finally got my daughter's paintings hung. One is slightly crooked, but I can live with it. I put it above my Aunt's computer and could barely reach the wall to put the hangers up, so it will have to do. I went through the clothing that I kept here for Michele. I got it as far as the basement. That will do. I have other things in bags down there to give away. Someday, I'll put everything together,and it will all be anonymous by then, and I'll give it all away. It will be 2 months since her passing next Tuesday, I think I'm doing okay, not "fine" yet, but"okay".

I'm working on the 4th of July. I think that's the first time in years that I've worked. I won't get to see the parade here in Tooele, but I've seen and heard the Tooele High Scholl Band. We live just down the street from the stadium, so we hear them practising.They also practise their marching down our street at least one day a week lately. It's been fun to watch them improve over time.

My Aunt bought me a manual lawn mower. I've been getting up early to get the lawns cut before it gets too warm. Tuesday, I cut the back lawn about 6:30 am. I was serenaded by a cow all morning. At first I thought the cow wanted to be milked, but then realised that most people who have cows here are raising them for meat. Anyway, that cow bawled all morning and into the afternoon. Maybe it had been moved to a new pasture and wasn't comfortable yet. I'm still not quite used to hearing livestock in my nieghborhood yet. I enjoy the quail and mourning doves, but I miss the ducks and geese. At least I'm not far out enough to hear coyotes howling like I did when I was a little girl.

A Warp in My World

I'd been putting this job off for awhile,but yesterday,I decided, with the emotional support from my Aunt, that it was time to go through some of Michele's things. MaryLou offered me support, but I'm sure it was just as hard for her as for me.

It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.

Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.

When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.

Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.

That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.

It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.

I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.

Time Passes

Today it has been 6 weeks since Michele's death. I don't really know if it seems that long or longer or shorter. It depends on my mood at the moment. Sometimes, when I look a her pictures, it seems that she's just at home, in Salt Lake, not too far away. Sometimes,she seems really gone, but at other times, it's as if she's just in the next room. I believe that she's very close, on a soul level. I don't believe that time and space exist so much on the soul level, so she could be right here, looking over my shoulder, giving me loving support, while still going about whatever business she has now in that new/old spirit home she's inhabiting.

My granddaughter, Caitlin, is offin the forrests of the Northwest for 5 weeks. She's part of the Northwest Youth Corps. She's out building trails and taking care of the land. She's 16 years old and has a wonderful social concience. I'm very proud of her. I'm proud of the 2 grandson's as well. The older boy, Sam is in college working on an English major. He wants to write books and he does very well with his writing. He's working part time to pay for his schooling. He is very responsable. The younger boy, Ethan is learning to play the trumpet. He practises with no proding and is even playing jazz already. All three of my Grandchildren are very special, but they have special parents.

All in all, even through the pain of losing my daughter, Michele, I've still been able to find so much to be grateful for, my family and friends. I'm grateful for the time I had with Michele, and for all that she taught me. I may have been a slow learner at times, but, in the end, we were special to each other.

Here I Am Again

I got back to work finally. I was working at the front of the store, demoing some of our fresh products like watermelon and cantaloupe and strawberries. We also did barbequed chicken and several of our bakery cakes. Fortunately, there were 3 of us. It's fun doing a team demo. If it gets slow, you have someone to talk to, and if it's busy, we help each other. We did it all three days,to help celebrate Father's Day. By Sunday afternoon, we were pretty tired. I was feeling quite a bit better, but my cough is lingering.

We had an unfortunate accident on Saturday. My supervisor had a fall on that cement floor. She ended up breaking her arm in 2 places and dislocating her shoulder as well. We're all very upset to see her in such pain! We are all wishing her well and keeping her in our prayers.

Summer seems to have arrived on the Wasatch Front. We've gone from the 60s to the upper 80s and lower 90s. It's been a bit of a shock to the system. I only got the front lawn cut last week when I was sick. Today I've been plugging away at the back lawn. I've got about half of it done, the easiest half. Since I've also been doing laundry, I decided to let the rest of the lawn go til tomorrow.

I get so much pleasure from my family's blog, my daughter-in-law always manages to get a post every week. Now my Aunt has started one! She wanted to write about Michele. I wonder what Michele would think about all the words and pictures that have been written about her since she passed on. I also wonder, why do I use the term, "passed on"? Maybe the term, "died", seems to permanent, too stark. I find that Michele is in my thoughts daily. There are so many things that remind me. Demoing the watermelon and seeing the little children enjoy it so much, reminds me of how much Michele loved watermelon. She enjoyed fresh strawberries as well. She would have loved them as we served them, with whipped cream! I find that I can talk about Michele's likes and dislikes with several of my friends who are good listeners. I need to remember to thank them.

The days pass, life goes on, even when I wanted my world to stop for awhile. Maybe that's why I got sick, I could take some time off. Even though life goes on, it's a different world for me. I guess that's to be expected. I'm still waiting to see what the shape of my world finally ends up. I think that our world's are constantly changing all the time, in little ways. We just don't notice until that big, big, change makes us notice.

I Think I'll Live After All

It was a terrible weekend. I left work on Friday after only working 4 hours. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work the next day. Unfortunately, there was no good nights sleep. I ended up missing the next 2 days of work. I coughed almost constantly. I got an expectorant to loosen the cough and took large amounts of Vitamin C and copious amounts of fluids. I got as much rest as I could. Finally, I got up today and realised I just might survive. The cough is down to only periodic, my nose is still running, but not stuffed. My ribs and stomach muscles feel like I'd been pushing a car uphill, but I really think I'm on the mend.

It's strange, the ideas that go through your head when you feel really lousey. Sometimes, you're sure you have double pneumonia and are on your last days, then you start thinking that maybe you have something really horrid with no cure. Of course, you make fun of yourself for being an alarmist. Then there's the dreams when you finally get to sleep. I'll wake up from a really strange dream, relieved to see it is just a dream, then go back to sleep to dream a slightly altered version of the same dream. I'll do that for half the night! Not too fun.

Well, I'm on the mend now. No more excuses for being lazy.

Not Too Fun

Here it is, the first week in June and I have a cold! Of course, it doesn't feel like June, it feels more like April. We've been getting the rain we should have gotten in April,in fact there was some flooding in Tooele this week, due to the rain.

I went to work Friday, and just felt so lousy that I only worked 4 hours. I have a beastly cough and I felt like a walking germ factory, so I went home. I stopped and got some cough syrup with an ingredient to help thin mucus, so I would hopefully get rid of some of it. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work today. Unfortunately, that good night's sleep was nowhere to be found. I called in sick and have been trying to get some rest. I've got the house to myself, except for the dog,but haven't really gotten any sleep. I'm just forcing fluids and hoping for the best.

Today is the Tooele Daughter's of the Pioneers Jubilie. My Aunt went out this morning in her pioneer dress, apron and bonnet to spend the day at the museum in town. Of course, it was raining this morning. It's partly cloudy now and trying to get above 65 degrees. Hopefully, they have a good turn out.

I guess that's it for today, I'll just retire and work on my foghorn imitations.

Update

All week, I've been thinking that I need to post an entry, but have been having problems deciding what to write. I decided on just a little review of my week.

As I've probably already mentioned, I'm now back to work. Some days I'm not too enthusiastic, but I've got to earn a living. My last check was pretty sad,because I only worked one partial day, and the company paid me for 2 days bereavement. It was certainly better than nothing.

I recieved a note from Turn Services, the organisation who provided for Michele's living and working program. They had recieved, so far, a total donation amount of $500.00, I have another $100 for them that I'll have to take in, as it is cash that people have given me for donation. It is very gratifying.

My Daughter-in Law, Lisa has reworked some pictures she took of Michele a few years ago and has posted them on her family blog. They are very beautiful. I've had a hard time staying away from the pictures.

I went on a couple of web sites devoted to helping people through grief. One of them listed 4 steps to go through. The first step is acceptance. Sometimes, I think I'm through that part, but sometimes, I'm not sure. I guess I've accepted Michele's death, not much point in denying it, I guess. I guess I'm in the 2nd step, but right now, I can't remember what that step is. I do remember that the 4th step is moving on, but that is nowhere near me yet.

We bought a manuel lawn mower. It is actually pretty easy to use. This week, I haven't got the lawns cut yet, but it's been raining all day. According to the newspaper, the only days it's supposed to be dry, are the days I'm working. I don't know how excited I'll be to come home and mow lawns. We did get some planting done. We've been converting one slope of the front yard into ground cover and that's pretty much done, as well as some potted flowers for the porch. I did start to dig out a garden spot, but just barely. Sometimes lately, I have problems with follow through.

Back to Work

Friday, I went back to work. I went into the store with a little nervousness. I didn't really want too much attention, I wanted it to feel as normal as possible. Fortunately, many of the employees were unaware of any problems I might have. The people who were most aware, were my friends in the demo department and some managers. My supervisor told me I could pull off of the sales floor any time I needed to and could work shorter hours as well. I had easy demos all weekend. I was given sympathy cards that I put away to look at in private after work.

Things went quite well, until my old next door neighbors came in and a few minutes later a friend that I used to work with at another job. Both said they hadn't seen me at the store in awhile, so I ended up telling them about Michele. It wasn't that bad, but got my thoughts going into sadness. I ended up going home early both Friday and Saturday.

My friends have been very supportive and understanding about how hard it is for a mother to lose a child, no matter the age. One of my co-workers lost one of her sons at about 19. It's been several years ago, so she was able to talk to me about how she coped and the things she went through. It's been very helpful.

This weekend was Memorial Day. We had some pretty red, white and blue flower arrangements at the store. I picked up 2 on Friday and took them out to the cemetary on my way home.I put one on Mom's grave and one on Michele's grave. Just writing that,about Michele's grave seems so--almost inappropriate somehow, certainly not anything I ever thought I would be writing or saying.

I'm sure that time will ease my sorrow, but there will always be times when I will find myself missing Michele.

Reality

Yesterday Michele's community service group, Turn had a memorial service for her. They had done a very beautiful presentation of photos of her through her years with them, with a beautiful musical accompaniment. They showed her enjoyments and friends and fun.

From the beginning of it, I felt my heart swell til I was afraid it would literally break. Even though I was with her at her passing, I'm not sure it was completely real for me. Suddenly, seeing her up on the screen, I realised, completely and totally, she is gone. I'll never hold her hand in mine, or receive her one armed hugs, at least in this life. Sometimes reality bites!

We went on with many people standing to relate their charished and often humorous memories of Michele. It really helped, I think. After everyone who wanted to speak, did so, we went out into the parking lot to give Michele a last tribute. One of Michele's joys in the fall, especially at Halloween was to smash pumpkins, Since it's not punpkin season, mini watermelons were used. From the top of a ladder onto a plastic sheet, 2 watermelons were smashed with great appause, to celebrate one of the joys Michele found in her life. I vowed to remember this Halloween, to smash a couple of pumpkins for her.

The Joys and Pain of Living

Just when you think things are getting better, they're not. I went onto my Son and Daughter in Law's family blog today and found they have put music on it. that'sreally great, but the song that's playing when you first bring it up is a beautiful song called" New Dawn" with violin, piano and harp and it just made me cry. The rest of the post shows pictures of my youngest Grandson in his first marching band, playing his trumpet. In 94 degree heat no less! That was part of the joy, seeingthe next generation grow and have wonderful expeiences. Unfortunately, the pain seems to lie in waiting, ready to jump out at any moment. My daughter's staff made me up a picture collage of one of Michele's fun times. Having this is a great joy, but it also brings pain. When I wake in the morning, it's one of the first things I see, reminding me that she is gone from this life. Though I believe the separation is only temporary, it's still a separation and I miss her.

Thoughts on Learning to Cope With Loss

The night after Services for Michele,I slept like a rock. Of course, I was exhausted. Now, I'm not sleeping so well. I wake frequently, am up and down. I know I'm dreaming, but I can't remember my dreams, maybe out of self protection. Michele is in my thoughts a great deal. I see the parents in China who have lost a child to the earth quake, and I mourn with them, thinking I know how they feel. I remember that the Chinese are only allowed one child per couple and I realise that I have been blessed with another child who has graced me with another daughter in his wife, and with 3 wonderful grandchildren. In my grief, I remember to be grateful.

I am grateful for Michele's life, for all she taught me and the joy she brought. I am even grateful for the painful moments as well. The people who were her staff and care takers are having a memorial for her next week. They want me to bring some memories of her early life. That's got me thinking of her as a baby and a toddler. It's a good thing cherish the memories. I guess it's part of the healing process, which I sense,will take awhile.

My impulse lately, has been to hide awayand lick my wounds. I know that it's my nature to go within for awhile, but I will make the effort to look outward. Today, my Aunts are taking me to lunch for my birthday, by Sunday, I will return to my job. I'll find ways to cope.

Gone Too Soon

My precious child has left us behind to take the next great adventure. I believe she has good company to show her the way. Those who went before, her Granmother and Grandfather met her at the gate, and surely angels guided and guarded her passage, even hovering near her hospital bed, protecting her soul as her poor body and brain were ravaged with siezures that medical science could not control. We, her family and friends spent 3 days, hoping that she might rally, as she had done at other times, but finally, we faced the truth, that she was already gone from us, and we let her go.

There were many of her friends who were there, at the end. Michele's passing was, at the last, both calm and gentle.Once the ventilator was removed, she took just a few breathes on her own, then stopped so gently, that we were not aware for a few seconds that she was actually gone. It almost seemed, that she had just been waiting for us to release her to her new adventure.

Michele was just 41 years old. She lived a life of many challenges right from the beginning as she had multiple birth defects. Though there were many times she showed frustration from her limitations, she also met most challenges with a courage that often amazed me. She insisted on being herself. Those she loved, she loved unconditionally and she showed great loyalty.

I am so thankful to all the people who helped Michele, especially the people from Turn Community Services, who staffed both her home and working facilities. They have been with her for about 15 years, helping Michele to be as independant as she could and allowing her to have as full a life as she was able. She loved her home and enjoyed her work and the people who helped her.

Michele's passing has left a void that will never be filled. The pain will get less intense, but that empty space that she occupied, will always offer bittersweet memories each time I visit. Thanks to my family's help and the help of all those who loved Michele, I will be okay. I'm grateful for those 41 years that I had with Michele. I will see her again, in the next life. She'll be there to teach me this time.

Expanding the Mind

It is an absolutely gorgeous day today, in the low 70's, partly cloudy, just great. We'll have more tomorrow, maybe even pushing into the 80's. Unfortunately, Wednesday may bring a drop in temperature of nearly 30 degrees and a storm coming in, hopefully just rain. It's just Mother Nature playing games again. Still, it's best to enjoy the good weather when you have it and not stress over what may come, right?



I recieve a weekly news letter from a guy in Australia who is a life coach. Most of his stuff is good and sometimes very good. This week's message was about going with the flow, a term that is used frequently. Phil had a wonderful way of explaining it, that really makes you think about how you live your life. You start out thinking of each day being a river. Some days the river is calm and placid and other days it might be more suitable for white water rafting. He then says that we have the choice each day which way we're going to paddle. Think about it, isn't it easier to paddle down stream, rather than up stream? How many of us spend our days struggling to get through by paddling like crazy up stream and wondering why we don't get to our destinations easily or why we feel so tired.



I love the visulization of the river, it help me to understand going with the flow better. If you look at each day as a river flowing by, doesn't it make sense to believe that the river will get us where we're going easier by riding it as it flows, rather than fighting it. I know many of us get suspicious when the way seems too easy, like something must be wrong with how we're living if it's easy. Maybe that's a hang over from the Puritan ethics model, but why would a loving Father, our creator constantly put obstacles in our paths,making us miserable? Many think that the obstacles are there for us to overcome and to learn. There's certainly something to be said for that idea, though I think many times, we put the obstacles there ourselves, either our souls urging to learn, or maybe even our egos trying to prove their point, that we're not worthy or something. At any rate, why shouldn't we paddle down stream and enjoy the trip of our lives, we're still on our way to that final destination anyway.



Another thing Phil had in his newsletter was a link to a narrated video on Youtube called "Shift Happens". This is really an interesting video, here's the link http://youtube.com/watch?v=FqfunyCeU5g If you're interested in Phil's newsletter, his website is at http://www.peoplestuff.com.au

It's Spring! or Not

Yesterday, I decided to get out into the yard and do some spring style work. As my Aunt was raking the front yard and scalping the roses, I opted to do something in the backyard. We have a bunch of gladiola bulbs that didn't get planted last year. I don't know whether they will grow now or not, but I decided to dig them a bed. I started digging in the east/front corner. Soon I had lots of help. Our dog, Lady, decided digging looked like fun, so she pitched in with gusto. There was dirt flying all over. My Aunt told me that Lady had helped her dig post holes for the fence, and I can see how. My flower bed is deeper than I would have dug it, but the soil is nice and soft now. There's also a very big root running through it. I have not a clue what tree it belongs to either.

I also started tocut up the branches that were broken from trees and bushes thoughout the winter. I only managed a small dent in the pile before the garbage cans were filled. It's a good thing they pick up every week. I also manage to get slivers in both hands. Now I have my badges of yard work valor.

Today, it is windy and cold again.It is supposed to be cooler still tomorrow, but at least we're supposed to get rain, not snow. Luckily for my hands, it's a little reprieve from yard work

Perceptions of Age

I've noticed my Son being a bit preoccupied with his age. It seemed to start about the time he turned 40. It's been kind of a family joke, with the black balloons etc. I guess you can start noticing those small physical changes, like greying hair, especially in our family with a genetic predisposition to going grey early. My Son is lucky, I found my first grey hair in my 20s. I've also noted a certain preoccupation about ageing with other people I've known. One friend almost retired to her rocking chair when she first became a grandmother, even though she wasn't quite 40. It took going out and getting a job after being a stay at home mother, to get a bit more involved with the world at large.

I suppose that the fact that we have such an emphasis on youth in our culture makes people worry more about getting older. Still, that's starting to change, due to the "baby boomers" and thier determination not to let getting older stop them.

I've been reading a book by Marianne Williamson called, "The Age of Miracles, Embracing the New Midlife". She talks about turning 50, how traumatic it can be,(I know it seemed like that to me.) She also talks about this new idea of midlife being a time to open up to new perceptions of your life. You can open to these new perceptions and live a new way, or you can close them off, and join the old ideas and restrictions of what you can and cannot expect for the remainder of your life. She says that this new midlife is the time to look back on our lives and access what we've done or not done. We probably will have regrets, most people do, but now is the time to learn from those mistakes of things done and opportunities missed.

One of the main ideas from the book, is to challenge the traditional expectations of age. Don't think that you're "too old" for something you may have the desire to experience.

Another idea, is that we've spent the first part of our lives being obsessed with ourselves, to a certain extent, though, of course,we're concerned for our spouse and children. We spend a lot of time worrying about our careers and futures and collecting "stuff". Now,when we have the chance to slow done a bit, it's time to get away from thinking with our egos and go into ourselves and listen for guidence from God to help us know how to spend the remainder of our lives.I'll bet that guidence doesn't tell you to sit around worrying about hair loss or how your joints feel.

Granted, you've earned the right to slow down and enjoy life a bit, but that doesn't leave you sitting in a rocking chair all day either. The important thing is to refuse to do ageing like many of us have expected to do. We need to think about things that we've thought we wanted to do, but were afraid we were too old to do them. We can still make a contribution to our worlds as well, even if it's just by living a good example. We can choose to have a rebirth in midlife, rather than start a prolonged march to death.