Just Keep Trying

I thought by now, at my age, that I'd be coasting to the finish line. Just taking things easy, having some fun along the way, my life in hand, very little angst. Guess what? It just ain't so. I guess some of us are destined to push our way to the finish line. Not that I'm expecting the finish to be right around the corner. If I had my druthers, I'd end it all in my sleep at the age of 102, having lived well and worn everything out, ready for a new life on the other side. Unfortunately, the struggle continues. Fortunately, it's not as bad as my teens, thank the Lord.

I have days when I have trouble finding anything to be thankful for. Of course, those are the days when I really need to find those things to be thankful for. After all, I'm still breathing, walking, talking, etc. I have loving family still, and friends. There's a big lumbering Dog who thinks I'm pretty great, though I'm probably 2 nd on her list, but that's okay.

My job is problamatic much of the time lately. The things I enjoyed in my job, sometimes get lost in its' demands, though a sweet child always brings a smile to my face.

Sunday, I let myself be drawn into a bit ot a political argument with a customer, that I've usually enjoyed. I really felt bad and beat myself up for the rest of the day. I get upset with myself for getting side tracked. I'd love to be perfect, but then I'd probably decide there was something wrong with that too.

You get to a point in life, when you realise you just might not make all those goals you've had. What really anoys me is that I fail to make any headway on things that I've wanted to do, it seems, all my life. You'd think that I could fix, at least, one or two things that I want to change about myself. My Son wrote about everyone being on their own path, which I firmly believe. Sometimes, though, I'm afraid that my path has gotten faint, or I've slipped off from it and I'm just wandering around. Maybe I should just enjoy the wandering for awhile,or maybe I should find a way to stop for awhile and listen for instructions.

My Opinion

I've been reading my Son's family blog about Father's day. It sounds like it was mostly good. My Son was making the point that what a child experiences with their father, molds their expectations and ideas of God, the ultimate Father. I think that may be right. Athough my concept of God has changed since I was a child, I think your first concepts probably are very influenced by thr relationship you have with your own earthly Father. My Father was very loving, though quite strict. He was careful to not make a promise that he couldn't keep. I remember once, I was supposed to wait for my Grandfather to pick me up from grade school, but I went to Primary with a friend. My Grandfather couldn't find me and finally went home without me, to get my Mother to help him look. By the time they got back, I was at the school waiting, realising that I was probably in trouble. Mom was so upset that I'd frightened everyone, that she told me I couldn't go to the play or concert that the high school was doing that night. My Aunt MaryLou was in it and I had been promised I could go. I was upset, but truthfully, I think I knew I deserved it. After my Dad got home from work, he told Mom that it had been a promise. By that time, it was too late to go to the play. Dad told me I'd been very wrong to worry everyone and need to be punished. I got a spanking, then I was taken to the drive-in in Tooele for a movie, to make up for missing the concert. I was probably 8 years old, but I've never forgotten it.

I didn't always agree with my Dad, and he certainly wasn't perfect, but he did teach me about keeping my word, or not giving it. Maybe that's why my kids heard "maybe" so often.

I must say, that my concept of God has grown as I have I guess. My belief is that God is Love. That said, I don't believe that you recieve everything you ask for, in the way that you ask for it. We can ask for anything and God, in his Love will give it to us. However, we don't have the right to tell God how to do His job, so He will give to us in His own time and in His own way. Being a Loving Father, He will give back to us beyond our dreams, since we usually tend to think too small, forgetting that God is Omnipotent and all-powerful. The trick is believing, expecting, and accepting. We need to be grateful for all that we have, the breath that we take, the fact that we live, the many things in this world that are beautiful. If we wnt love and beauty, we need to look for it and be grateful for that which we see. If we focus on the unhappy things, the ugly or the lack, that will be what we keep experiencing, because that's where our focus is. When I find myself down and not interested in getting out of bed in the morning, eventually, I'll remember to focus my attention on the things that are good and remeber to thank God for all the good I can see. Usually, things will perk up in awhile.

I don't say my belief is the only belief, only that it usually works for me.

Living Honestly

I sometimes find myself agreeing with a person I'm talking to, all the while, knowing that I don't really agree. It may be a co-worker, or a manager or a new acquaintance, or even a stranger. I'm sure that we frequently do this just to be agreeable, or because the issue isn't particularly important at the time. I guess it may not be that important if it is just an occaisional happening. There are some who would say that anytime you don't assert your own beliefs can be living a lie, therefore damaging your own soul. After 911 I often had problems when listening to some of my more militant co-workers. I'm happy yo say that I didn't validate their views on wanting vengence because I didn't agree. I mostly listened and kept my opinions to myself, deciding not to cause discent at work. This made me feel that I had been untrue to myself, though I was pretty sure I wouldn't have changed people's minds.

When I was younger, I pretty much voiced my opinion whether anyone asked for it or not. Getting older either mellowed me, making me realise that telling everyone what I think is,at best, being a bore and at worst, an exercise in futility. I have tried to learn not to judge others and to accept them as they are. Trying to convince everyone of the rightness of my opinions and beliefs is can be frustrating and usually, not worth it. Still, how do you make sure you are being true to yourself? By letting someone believe that you agree with everything they say, am I being honest? Does it even matter?

I guess you have to keep checking how you feel about yourself, whether there's a feeling of disconnectedness or a bit of guilt over something you've said or not said. Is it another person you may have wronged? If not, maybe the person you have wronged is yourself. I thought I'd have more answers to life by the time I got this old, but my ideas have changed nearly as much in the last decade as they did in my 2nd and 3rd decade. I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. If we think we do, we're probably wrong.

Looking back at this rambling post,I'm not sure I said what I wanted or if it was worth doing. Oh well, I'm just rambling anyway.

Back to Genealogy

I've been working on both our Scottish and our Welsh lines lately. The Welsh lines are a bit of a challenge since the names are nearly unpronouncable. Some of the place names just look like a string of letters, a long string, but usually include a province or county that's recogniseable. Many of our Welsh forbears came from around Glammorgan or Monmouthshire. As an example of interesting place names, there's Morgan Ap Maredudd from Cyfoeth, Meredydd, Gwynllwg in Monmouthshire. Notice the use of w and y and l in everything. There is a woman named Tangwlstl Verch Rhys. The Verch seems to be used for women. I don't know if it's like Mrs or some other form of honorific. At least with the "Verch", you know it's a woman, sometimes the only way to tell.

We are related to Daffyd Ap Llewellyn. There was a prince of Wales by that name and also a great Welsh poet. I googled the name, but it's hard to figure, as the time frame doesn't quite fit either character. Once you get back in the 12th or 13th century, it's always a little hard to be sure of dates unless the person is famous and well researched. I almost think I'd prefer to be related to the poet. We've got more than enough royalty.

I struggled a bit with the Robert The Bruce line. MaryLou seemed get the direct line just fine, but I had an extra John Bruce that skewed everything, even though my line before the king was fine. I think I've got it right finally.

We also have connections to the early Spanish Kings as well. Once you establish connections to the Capets and Plantagenets, you end up related to half the royalty of Europe and Scandanavia.

Obviously, many of our forbears were farmers and businessmen and even peasents and thier lines taper off fairly early. Some lines don't go farther than the 17th century. Some countries are harder to find info on too, like Ireland. I did get onto a message board for the Haggerty family and noticed my cousin had been doing some of the same searches that I am, but that was in 2004. Now I need to find out whether he had ant success or not. I did pick up a tidbit about some Hagerty's in the 1600s who came to fight the English with the O'Niel's (the clan we were sept to). They even ended up with a castle, actually 2, one in Ireland and one in Austria. I doubt that it's our line though, but it's nice someone in the Haggerty clan had a castle. Anyway, I keep plugging away.

So Much Pain

I was all ready to write another post on the Welsh genealogy that I've been doing, but after reading a series of posts on my Son and Daughter-in-Laws blog, I feel the need to talk a little about pain and dealing with it.

I understand that in this life,pain is probably inevitable. How much you suffer, and how you suffer can be a choice that we each can make. My Daughter-in-Law had an extreemly painful childhood. She has endured a great deal of pain and suffering. I won't say I know what she has gone through, because I don't, and nobody else can claim to either. We have no way to get inside another person's heart and mind to see their world. I can only see from the outside. I see a person who, at some point, decided to fight against her suffering and fight to lead the life she wants. I know that she is still fighting. I see a strong woman who has so much love to give. I also see a woman who fights her demons and and doubts. I would like to let her know, that even people with good childhoods have to fight doubts and their precieved weaknesses.

I worry about my Son and his depression. I am sorry I didn't see the problem sooner. I worry about how much of his childhood contributed. I am very glad he is addressing the problem and not playing the strong silent type that so many men do.

When you are fighting depression and problems, it can be difficult to focus on what's right with the world. It can be a temptation to look at everything through a dark lense. It is very important to look for the light, for beauty and love. I used to write down at least 3 things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed. I kind of got away from that. I noticed that some days, I'd wake up and not even want to get out of bed. There wasn't anything that I could point to that was wrong, just nothing much right or worth getting up for. I decided I should remember to count my blessings, nothing formal like before. I just tried to remember a thank you when things were going right, or I was feeling happy, or something good happened, or even if something bad didn't happen. I think, that if you thank God for the things you love, He'll make sure you get more of those things.

I've lived long enough now, that things that used to bother me so much, are less important, maybe because I have tried to let some things go, to obsess less. It doesn't always work, but it's better. Maybe, I'm living such an uneventful life, nothing gets to me. Maybe I've achieved, on my own what Prosac once offered me; emotions on an even keel, no lows, but then again, not too many highs either.

New Book

I've been using this book to check my genealogy with it's charts and maps. But yesterday I decided to start reading it. It's called "Robert the Bruce, King of Scotts".It is supposed to be the definative book on Robert Bruce. It's quite readable and I am enjoying it a lot.

I've discovered that my son Robert is quite excited about his connection to Robert Bruce. When we named Bob, it was to honor an Uncle on his father's side of the family. We didn't know about the famous connection. It's been quite fun. It turns out that Robert Bruce was not Celt, but Anglo-Norman. However, he did speak Gaelic, as well as Norman French and Northern English, making him trilingual. He became Earl of Carrick through his mother, who was Countess of Carrick in her own right. From his father, he was Earl of Annandale, a holding close to Carrick.These holdings were on the south western side of Scotland. In fact, Carrick was on the Irish Sea. Robert's family also had English holdings in Essex and Midlands.

There were Scottish kings before Robert the Bruce, but they did not control the whole of Scotland. Robert's distinction was the uniting all of Scotland under one rule.

So far, I'm reading about the meschinations of England's King Edward I after the untimely death of Alexander the third, leaving only a girl child as hier because his two son's had died with no issue. The child was his daughter's child from Norway's King Eric. The Scottish nobility wanted to set up a regency of 6 men. Edward agreed if they would swear fealty to him as the more powerful king. He eventually insisted that Margaret, only 6 years old be brought to Scotland to be raised and to be married to Edward's 5 year old son. By the time she arirrived, she was ill and eventually died. Through other meschinations and intimidations, Edward put John Balliol on the Scottish throne. At this time, Robert was only in his teens, and his grandfather, Robert, the Competitor, was trying to put his own family into contention for the throne, always believing in was his family's by blood right.

It is all very interesting and I am enjoying it very much. I've always had an interest in History, especially old History, so the genealogy is a good stimulus for more study.

The Importance of Pets

As all of the family is dealing with the loss of my Son's Family's adorable Sheltie, Angel, I begin to think about all the pets I have had in my life. It seems that I've had at least one animal in my life for most of my life. There have been times, usually during mourning for a lost pet, that I have been without one, but soon, the old imperative to share my life with another animal gets too strong. I find a new pet to enlarge my life.

During my childhood, I usually lived where having pets was not a problem and I frequently had more than one at a time. We almost always had a few cats around, whether outdoors,indoors or a combination. Much of my life I slept with at least one cat, sometimes two. There seemed to always be a dog at home except when I lived in 2 different Utah Power and Light company housing, but we had cats then too. I also had parakeets and goldfish at times. I remember the piglet my Dad bought to raise for future meat. He warned me it was not a pet, but I named it anyway. When it was time to butcher him, my Dad warned me and I hid under the bed until it was all over. I did eventually manage to eat some of the meat, but not without a little twinge.

I've loved and lost quite a few pets in my lifetime. We had a black cat who was a bit of a runt, so I tried to keep it house bound. I didn't know then that you need to have them nuetered or the males keep marking their territory. Bob got very upset when Sooty urinated in his new mocasins. They were totally ruined. We finally let Sooty out into the neighborhood. He came back in the morning ruffled and dirty, but seemingly triumphant over the other cats. His penchant for fighting was finally his undoing. He finally was hurt enough that he couldn't recover, though we did have him into the Vet, he ended up with bleeding stools, indicating internal injuries. I finally took him into the Vet to be put to sleep. When Bob came home from school and I told him about Sooty, he wanted to know whether we'd do that to him if he got sick. He nearly broke my heart. He was around 7 years old, I think, and really couldn't understand why there should be a distinction between people and pets. It's very hard to explain to a little boy, especially when you're not too sure of things yourself.

It's amazing how your pets can fill up your life like they do. Yesterday, MaryLou and I went to the grocery store to get groceries and dog food for our monster dog Lady. We were out at the car, putting things in the trunk when it thundered. The first thing both of us thought of was Lady. She's afraid of thunder. Of course, we hurried home to comfort her. Like I said, they're a big part of your life. People who've never had pets can't understand how important they are to us. We who have pets can't understand those who don't have pets. We're sure they are missing something in their lives.