Thursday, July 26, 2012

"Just as the moon has no light of it's own,but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present" Eckhart Tolle

This quote was at the beginning of a daily guide that I often read. It talks about how we hold onto past experiences and dwell on thoughts of what we could have done, or should have done. I have, in the past, wasted much time and emotional energy obsessing about things, until one time I realized that I had spent most of a week obsessing, wasting energy and emotion on something that was past, all gone, kaput. I finally realized that what is in the past cannot be changed. Of course, I knew that I wasn't changing things, but somehow going over and over what I should have done was a habit that I imposed on myself, perhaps as a way to atone for an error or to punish myself, thus becoming more worthy. Sounds really weird  doesn't it?

I guess we all have behaviors that are not serving us. The trick is to recognize them, stop them and move on.It isn't always easy to stop habits, but if we stop and ask ourselves if we're accomplishing anything positive, sometimes that helps. I still find myself trying to do the past over in a different way sometimes, but eventually, I stop myself with a reminder that the past can't be changed.

Speaking of Eckhart Tolle, I wish I could really experience what he talks about, living only in the present. I'm aware that we only exist in the "now", but the "now" keeps moving into the future, taking us along with it. I've read other people and I think to be fully present, you have to pay attention to what is happening right now and quit slipping into planning the future or trying to restructure the past. Obviously, we do need to pay attention to future plans, and reliving lovely memories is nice, we just need to pay attention to living and not just waiting until the future to actually live.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I was reading a book about journaling  and how to use it for personal growth. One suggestion was to ask yourself a question and then answer in your journal. One suggestion was," If you could live your life over, what would you change?"

Not surprisingly, my first thought was that I would get that colonoscopy  when I was in my 50's and my doctor tried to talk me into it. Maybe I could have by-passed the cancer or at least caught it sooner. Of course that wouldn't have protected me from some other malady.

Another thing I might wish was that I had been more patient with my children, especially my handicapped daughter.

Would I take more chances and be more spontaneous?

Actually, many changes can be made with our present life, no need to start over, just alter behavior. That's not always so easy, but  it's possible.

The problem with reliving life is that the changes you made might lead you to lose some of the things you really hold dear and you might not even know what you'd lost!  Maybe I'll just leave my soul a post-it note of some of the things I'd like to do in my next life.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

It's been months since I've posted anything! I wasn't sure I wanted to continue with my blog or even cancel it and start a new one. But, what the heck, I'll try it again.

A lot has happened. I've had my surgery and yes, it hurt as much as I feared. I spent most of December on my bed doing crossword puzzles. I couldn't sit without pain pills. The Lortab was all that got me through the drives to Salt Lake for check-ups. Besides having the tumors removed and my bottom restructured, I also had a kidney stone removed. I didn't even know I had one, no pain at all. It was found on my CAT scan. It was pretty strange!

The next month my Aunt had pneumonia that went into respiratory failure. She was in ICU for about a month, getting fed through a gastric tube. She can't even remember the first week. We were into Salt Lake every other day, trading with my other Aunt. Fortunately, my Son did the driving. It's not wise to drive under the influence of pain pills. She eventually went on to physical therapy and finally home.  It was a really scary time for all of us.

By February I was sitting some. I still use a pillow to sit on quite a lot. I've been learning how to live with a colostomy. It's going pretty well now. Of course I' m finally finished with the rest of my chemotherapy and my lab results are good. Yippee!

I lost a bunch of weight. I'm  the smallest size I've been in years! Fortunately I had a fabric stash, so now I'm making new clothes pretty quickly.

There are changes in my life. I spend time changing pouches and keeping my eating regular. Fiber is my new best friend and there are things I have to think about that I'm not used to, but I feel like I'm getting better all the time. Life is pretty darn good!