Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Back to Work

Friday, I went back to work. I went into the store with a little nervousness. I didn't really want too much attention, I wanted it to feel as normal as possible. Fortunately, many of the employees were unaware of any problems I might have. The people who were most aware, were my friends in the demo department and some managers. My supervisor told me I could pull off of the sales floor any time I needed to and could work shorter hours as well. I had easy demos all weekend. I was given sympathy cards that I put away to look at in private after work.

Things went quite well, until my old next door neighbors came in and a few minutes later a friend that I used to work with at another job. Both said they hadn't seen me at the store in awhile, so I ended up telling them about Michele. It wasn't that bad, but got my thoughts going into sadness. I ended up going home early both Friday and Saturday.

My friends have been very supportive and understanding about how hard it is for a mother to lose a child, no matter the age. One of my co-workers lost one of her sons at about 19. It's been several years ago, so she was able to talk to me about how she coped and the things she went through. It's been very helpful.

This weekend was Memorial Day. We had some pretty red, white and blue flower arrangements at the store. I picked up 2 on Friday and took them out to the cemetary on my way home.I put one on Mom's grave and one on Michele's grave. Just writing that,about Michele's grave seems so--almost inappropriate somehow, certainly not anything I ever thought I would be writing or saying.

I'm sure that time will ease my sorrow, but there will always be times when I will find myself missing Michele.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Reality

Yesterday Michele's community service group, Turn had a memorial service for her. They had done a very beautiful presentation of photos of her through her years with them, with a beautiful musical accompaniment. They showed her enjoyments and friends and fun.

From the beginning of it, I felt my heart swell til I was afraid it would literally break. Even though I was with her at her passing, I'm not sure it was completely real for me. Suddenly, seeing her up on the screen, I realised, completely and totally, she is gone. I'll never hold her hand in mine, or receive her one armed hugs, at least in this life. Sometimes reality bites!

We went on with many people standing to relate their charished and often humorous memories of Michele. It really helped, I think. After everyone who wanted to speak, did so, we went out into the parking lot to give Michele a last tribute. One of Michele's joys in the fall, especially at Halloween was to smash pumpkins, Since it's not punpkin season, mini watermelons were used. From the top of a ladder onto a plastic sheet, 2 watermelons were smashed with great appause, to celebrate one of the joys Michele found in her life. I vowed to remember this Halloween, to smash a couple of pumpkins for her.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Joys and Pain of Living

Just when you think things are getting better, they're not. I went onto my Son and Daughter in Law's family blog today and found they have put music on it. that'sreally great, but the song that's playing when you first bring it up is a beautiful song called" New Dawn" with violin, piano and harp and it just made me cry. The rest of the post shows pictures of my youngest Grandson in his first marching band, playing his trumpet. In 94 degree heat no less! That was part of the joy, seeingthe next generation grow and have wonderful expeiences. Unfortunately, the pain seems to lie in waiting, ready to jump out at any moment. My daughter's staff made me up a picture collage of one of Michele's fun times. Having this is a great joy, but it also brings pain. When I wake in the morning, it's one of the first things I see, reminding me that she is gone from this life. Though I believe the separation is only temporary, it's still a separation and I miss her.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Thoughts on Learning to Cope With Loss

The night after Services for Michele,I slept like a rock. Of course, I was exhausted. Now, I'm not sleeping so well. I wake frequently, am up and down. I know I'm dreaming, but I can't remember my dreams, maybe out of self protection. Michele is in my thoughts a great deal. I see the parents in China who have lost a child to the earth quake, and I mourn with them, thinking I know how they feel. I remember that the Chinese are only allowed one child per couple and I realise that I have been blessed with another child who has graced me with another daughter in his wife, and with 3 wonderful grandchildren. In my grief, I remember to be grateful.

I am grateful for Michele's life, for all she taught me and the joy she brought. I am even grateful for the painful moments as well. The people who were her staff and care takers are having a memorial for her next week. They want me to bring some memories of her early life. That's got me thinking of her as a baby and a toddler. It's a good thing cherish the memories. I guess it's part of the healing process, which I sense,will take awhile.

My impulse lately, has been to hide awayand lick my wounds. I know that it's my nature to go within for awhile, but I will make the effort to look outward. Today, my Aunts are taking me to lunch for my birthday, by Sunday, I will return to my job. I'll find ways to cope.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Gone Too Soon

My precious child has left us behind to take the next great adventure. I believe she has good company to show her the way. Those who went before, her Granmother and Grandfather met her at the gate, and surely angels guided and guarded her passage, even hovering near her hospital bed, protecting her soul as her poor body and brain were ravaged with siezures that medical science could not control. We, her family and friends spent 3 days, hoping that she might rally, as she had done at other times, but finally, we faced the truth, that she was already gone from us, and we let her go.

There were many of her friends who were there, at the end. Michele's passing was, at the last, both calm and gentle.Once the ventilator was removed, she took just a few breathes on her own, then stopped so gently, that we were not aware for a few seconds that she was actually gone. It almost seemed, that she had just been waiting for us to release her to her new adventure.

Michele was just 41 years old. She lived a life of many challenges right from the beginning as she had multiple birth defects. Though there were many times she showed frustration from her limitations, she also met most challenges with a courage that often amazed me. She insisted on being herself. Those she loved, she loved unconditionally and she showed great loyalty.

I am so thankful to all the people who helped Michele, especially the people from Turn Community Services, who staffed both her home and working facilities. They have been with her for about 15 years, helping Michele to be as independant as she could and allowing her to have as full a life as she was able. She loved her home and enjoyed her work and the people who helped her.

Michele's passing has left a void that will never be filled. The pain will get less intense, but that empty space that she occupied, will always offer bittersweet memories each time I visit. Thanks to my family's help and the help of all those who loved Michele, I will be okay. I'm grateful for those 41 years that I had with Michele. I will see her again, in the next life. She'll be there to teach me this time.