Living Life

Do you ever wonder why we keep getting the same things coming up over and over again in our lives? I've heard and even sometimes believed that similar situations keep coming up in your life because you need to learn some life lesson, and these thnings will keep coming up until you learn that lesson. I don't know if it's "karma" from a past life, your own soul trying it teach  your ego something, or the Universe or Spirit teaching.
Then there's the Universal Unconscious, visualised by Karl Jung that could be at work. Who knows?

There's also the idea that we invite those experiences through our attention on all of the things we don't want, obsessing about them to the point that we're actually sending out enough energy to make them intentions. This belief claims that our thoughts send out energy that causes things to happen. There is some basis to this idea from the study of quantum mechanics.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I do know that during the years I was going into debt and nothing I did seemed to help, I kept worrying about going into bankruptcy. While the idea wasn't really a focus all the time, it was still  a worry that was with me a lot and there certainly was a lot of emotion involved. My situation kept getting worse until I finally filed for bankruptcy. Eventually, my life got better, I live mostly on a cash basis because even after nearly 4 years, I still don't quite trust myself with a credit card. Am I learning a lesson? I'm not sure, but my life is not as fraught with angst as it once was.

What Do I Know?

I told myself I was going to write in my blog oftener, but I'm so out of the habit that I'm not doing so well. I guess I feel that I have to have something big or important to say. It would be nice to say something relavent and/or profound, but how often am I near my computer when I get "big" ideas. In the meantime, I guess I'll just ramble a bit.

One of the things that frustrates me a bit lately is the idea that I am my job, like I am defined by that which I do to earn my daily bread. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. It seems to be an American passtime. When we meet someone for the first time, we may find their job listed with their name as an introduction. If we want to know anything else about them, we have to make it a point to ask.  Often times, we just go on to talk about the person's job, as if that is all they are.

Some people don't seem to mind being defined by their jobs, especially if it's one they like or feel adds status. I like to think that I am more than my job, even though it takes up a lot of my time. I resent that my job leaves me too tired often to do much else but watch TV or play on my computer. Now that's a real defining passtime, right?

I guess what I'm saying is that we are more than our jobs. They may be neccessary, and time-consumming, but there is more to most of us than that. But, what do I know?

A Debbie Ford Book

I'm reading a book by Debbie Ford about how to cleanse yourself of ideas and beliefs that don't work for you anymore. She talks about a children's story about a little crab named Gresper. He spends his young life with other small crabs, eating scraps and living in a small area. One day he feels something different, more open and lighter. He then sees his shell has split and is laying beside him.  The other crabs gather around him and begin warning him of the danger he is in until his new shell grows back and hardens. They warn him to stay where he is and not to venture farther. However, something inside calls him to venture beyond the rocks where he has lived his life, so he begins to move around the rocks. All the while, his fellow crabs are calling for him to come back. Grasper continues on around the rocks. There he sees a wonderful sight, the vast ocean opening up to him, showing him a little of the world he had not even suspected with more food than scraps and many other wonderful things. Grasper realises that he can go back and spend his life small and restricted, or he can grow and learn. He will have to reinvent himself over and over as he outgrows his shell and molts and grows a bigger one.

It's a lovely story and an introduction to her own "Grasper" moment when she is in her fourth drug treatment center, feeling the need to quit and run away, but she realises that if she doesn't stick it out this time, she will either be back again or she quite possibly will die. At this point she finds a quiet place and gets on her knees calling for a God she's not sure she even believes in.She keeps reciting the Serenity Prayer, which she has just learned "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," She wasn't sure how long she knelt there in pain and agony, but at some point a feeling of peace came over her and such a feeling of overwhelming love that she was amazed.

I'm actually still in the first chapter, but it promises to be a wonderful book. I'm certainly not a drug addict trying to kick the habit and survive, but I feel my life could have more meaning. I'm also of an age that I can't count on lots of time left to get things right, so here I go again with a little reinvention of my own.

Things Never Change, the Players Shift

I last wrote about my 2 co-leads and their problems. Well. they did actually manage to come to terms with each other and are doing quite well with getting along. It is sometimes taking a little work, but they are doing well. Unfortunately, another person is having some problems. This lady is normally the sweetest, most generous person. She truly enjoys giving to people and being helpful. She does tend to take a little narrow view of "how things should be" and likes rules to be spelled out and followed, but she usually doesn't get too fussy at people. It's been quite surprising to see how often she gets upset and actually starts arguments. She seems to be on a short fuse lately. She is going through a divorce from a long standing marriage. I know from experience how stressful that can be. I guess the best thing we can do is to cut her some slack, though that can be hard as well.

We are in a business that changes frequently. Our schedules can change almost daily due to the business atmosphere in retail sales these days. It can be hard for people who depend on a set amount of hours per week to have those hours diminished, then as suddenly be added back to your schedule. It's a wonder we don't yell and scream sometimes.  I suspect that by November, we'll be working as much as we want to, if not more.

Different Perceptions

Isn't it strange how each of us is shaped by our perceptions of reality?  I guess our perceptions are formed as we grow up and experience life and must be strongly influenced by our parents, at least in our early life. I assume that our perceptions are further influenced by our experiences as we grow up. But do our attitudes get frozen sometime during this formative process, or do we remain open to new ways to look at and experience things? I guess that depends on how our ideas and perceptions were formed in the first place, How do we stay open to new experiences and ideas, and do we even want to open ourselves to change?

I work with 2 other people who are"leads" as I am. I get along with each, but they don't get along with each other. As far as I can see, each of them believes that they are right in thier own perceptions and thier own ideas and attitudes, but that the other person is difficult to get along with. How is it that I don't have much problem with either person?  I will say, however, that one of the person is a bit harder to deal with than the other, perhaps she just has a stronger personality.

There have been atempts by both people to "clear the air, and get things into the open" but there seems to be little progress. Each one seems convinced that the other just doesn't understand thier viewpoint. That seems right, but why? Is each person so invested in thier own perception of things that they can't let go any part of it to actually see each other as a real person and not as an obstacle?  What is my course in this? Do I try to help, or do I let things go and see what happens? Maybe it's easier to simply remove myself from the equation.

New things

I just got a new laptop.
actually, I've had it for about a week, but I'm just getting it set up today. I had so much trouble getting onto the internet!  I knew I needed to reset my modem, and I thought I was unplugging it and replugging it, but I noticed that the lights were not going out on the modem. Then I realised that I kept unplugging and replugging my alarm clock! Whoops! I guess I would have finally noticed the time was wrong eventually.

My Aunt MaryLou also got a new computer. She got a nice desktop with a flat screen monitor. Her internet came on pretty quickly. Of course, she hasn't been using her old one for the internet because her browser went out, so she'd been using my old laptop with me.

I'm pretty happy to have a nice shiny blue laptop, but my bank balance is not looking so healthy right now. I'm going to have to get my savings back up, Here I'd been thinking I could change jobs soon, but maybe not. I had figured that if I could find something closer to home, I could save enough on gasoline to make up for a lower salary. Maybe I still can, but who knows. I work 4 to 5 days a week, though I'm not techniquely full time, but with the commute, the hours feel like full time.

My Grand daughter  Caitlin will be leaving for college this weekend. Her Mom and Dad are suffering great angst and empty nest syndrom. It happens to all parents though, and we actually survive!

It's been a pretty good day, even with the computer problem. The weather is beautiful, I picked a bunch of tomatoes from the garden, and I planted 6 hens and chicks in the yard.  Not a bad day.

Futility

Just when you feel like you are making some headway in your life, something else is thrown at you. When my company first started our division, things were a little difficult. People were being hired quickley, trying to fill spots and get everything going. Unfortunately, some of the new hires were not very promissing and there were some who really weren't interested in the job once they tried it. Consequently, we had a lot of turnover.

Finally, things are starting to come together.We have a core of people who can be depended upon to come to work, do thier shifts and do thier best. Now we are getting more and more demos thrown at us,especially on Saturdays. We have 16 demo carts and we are getting 21 demos, not counting last minute store demos.It gets pretty frustrating trying to find ways to get everything done. Sometimes it feels like we are being tested until we fail. If that's the case,  what is the point to it all.

It's getting harder to go to work with a positive attitude because I feel like a runner in a race where they keep moving the finish line farther away. I realise that life can be challenging and meeting the challenge can be rewarding, but sometimes it would be nice if you could enjoy meeting one challenge before you're thrown back into the lion's den for another round.

On The Job

Just a little note on the continuing saga of my work-life.

 This coming week-end is a big holiday in Utah, so we'll probably be busy. They have added extra demos, so now I have to work an extra day. While I understand the reasons, I'm a bit unhappy because I only found out because I check my scheduel on the computer daily. A quick email would have been nice. If I'd picked today to skip checking, because I normally have Thursday and Friday off, I wouldn't show up tomorrow and they'd be short. Of course we end up short fairly frequently anyway and have to scramble to get all demos done anyway.

  I feel like things at work are in a fairly regular turmoil much of the time.I get days, like Tuesday, when things go well and I appreciate that so much. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to happen that way often enough. Maybe the problem is that I'm in a position where I have responsibility to the company, at least my supervisor, rather than just going in, doing my demo and leaving. I guess that additional worry bothers me. We have some things going on right now,with a disgruntled employee that just add to that problem and increase tension.

  I have felt, for quite some time, that I'm not really in the right job. I almost didn't apply for the job, but I was worried about being out of work and figured that getting the job was pretty certain, though I was a little surprised by how quickly I was hired. I took on the team lead position when it was offered, because I thought it would make the job more interesting. It has done that, but the extra responsibility comes with drawbacks as well.

   One of these days, maybe we will be fully staffed with reliable people and there will be a resolution to the problems that we're facing right now. Maybe I'll last that long.

Getting Back to Writing

I actually thought about starting a new blog, newname, new purpose, etc. I still may do that, I'm not sure. I'm just stating that I'm still alive and kicking. Right now mostly kicking.

I'm still working at Sam's Club with "Tastes and Tips".I'm a team lead. That means I work longer shifts, have more responsiblity, and I get paid a whole dollar more an hour. There have been a lot of growing pains, most of which I'd prefer not to go into just now. Some of the things have yet to play  out. It's like I don't know how the story ends just yet. I'm not sure I even have an opinion on the subject. There are certainly days that I'd prefer to just "bag" the whole thing. Oh well, onward and upward.

It's Always Something

I'm back again.I'm really not used to working 5 days a week! It looks like I may be getting to 4 eight hour days rather than 5 six and a quarter hours.It would certainly help my gasoline bill. I do a lot of running, fast walking actually, though I still do some demos where I stand a lot. I actually prefer the running. The standing makes my feet hurt.

We got a 3 day storm this week. It was mainly slush the first 2 days, but it cooled off enough Wednesday night to really put down the snow. We got a foot of snow here in Tooele! I spent part of my day off shoveling, I even had to dig for the newspaper. Fortunately, there were 3 neighborhood boys who came around and finished the job for me. Here we are with all this snow and the trees are starting to leaf and we also have 3 boxes of floweres to plant! We are expecting a couple more storms this week as well. I was looking for garden seeds today, but I guess I'll wait a bit.

I can hear the wind starting to blow and it's getting cloudy again.The barometer in my head says the storm is coming and giving me a headache! It's always something, right?

Catching Up

I figured it was about time for me to write again.

It's been very busy now that I'm working again. In fact, I'm working 5 days a week most of the time,as I was made Team Lead, assisting my manager. I work her days off, help the events specialists (new title for demos) organising their demos, do some paper work and generally run a lot. I still do some of my own demos, but not every day. I try to keep the kitchen in good shape and help my manager with ordering supplies and submit our papers to the store management.

I have had to take an online course in Food Safety Management,in addition to the Food Handler's Permit we all have to have. Now I have to take the test for Food Manager on Thursday.It's a 2 hour test and I have to go up to the University. I'm going to be glad when that's over.

Driving into Salt Lake 5 days a week has really played havoc with my gasoline bill, as the price is doing it's summer increase early this year. I work between 6 and 7 hours each day. I'm hoping to be able to go to 4 days of 8 hours each eventually.

I've been getting tired and stiff some days, I just got out of shape when I was out of work for 5 weeks. At my age, it doesn't take long to get soft. Fortunately, I've been running off a bit of wieght too.

We do all of our time verification, reports and all,including quite a bit of training on line. That's the reason some of my old team mates didn't get hired, or got discourged about even applying for this company. Several of them didn't have access to or much skill at computers. The reliance on computers means that the first thing I do when I get home from work is log onto my company website to do my report. Im on the computer more, but not doing much on Facebook or my blog. I guess I'll get organised eventually.

Back At Work

Last week I had a meeting to prove I'm legal to work in the U.S.That's pretty standard these days.I had an orientation day, then I volunteered to go in on Saturday to clean demo carts and the kitchen and go through supplies and put them away. There were enough of us that it didn't take long.

It's comfortable to be in the same store with many of the same people, but there are some differences that are a bit uncomfortable. Strickly speaking, we don't use the employee break room, as we aren't Sam's Club employees. It's okay, as there's always the cafe area for food and somewhere to sit. I may have to do some changes for lunch time though, like getting an ice pack for my lunch, though for awhile I'll probably get food at the cafe. So far, they haven't put lockers for us in the kitchen area.

The reliance on my computer for schedules and such, including my work time,is different, but I'll get used to it. I tried doing a "call back" on one of my online learning programs.I'm not sure I did it right or not. Each day we work, we have to verify our time and break time, as well as answer surveys questions about our demo. It needs to be done by the end of the day if we want to be paid for that day.

We have 22 demo people, though not everyone has thier paperwork complete. There's supposed to be 2 team leads, which I thought were already set, but our supervisor told us she has to choose them. She thinks she'll start with one first. Who knows, maybe I'll get to be one, though I have a co-worker who is really interested to do it. I guess we'll see.

New, Old Job

I'm going to be going back to work in March. It's a new job, but still the old job. I'll be doing demos again under a new company with a new name. I'll be "an event specialist".I will be working at the same store. Oh, and Yeah, for less money, but not as much less than I was afraid. Since the parent company is based in So.Cal, we'll be doing all our paperwork on the computer. I don't mind that, but it has left out a few of my old co-workers who don't have computers. I'm also working with only a few of my old co-workers since some will be going to other stores.Looks like I'll be getting to know some other people. That can be fun.

By the time I'm back to working, I will have had 5 weeks off. Too bad I haven't made good use of the time. I've let my frustrations and worries allow me to spend way too much time spinning my wheels. I've also spent time worrying about family members,even though I can't really do much for them but have faith in thier  strength and good sense to get through the big life changes they are going through.They are bright, loving people. They willall get through this crisis.

Another worry has been my 84 yr old Uncle falling and injuring his back. He's temporarily in a nursing home for therapyto get him mobile again. It's really tough on him because he's used to living alone and doing things his own way.Now he's got others making his decisions. Hopefully, he'll get well enough to go home again, even if he needs some home care.

Frustration

I'm still waiting for follow up from a job interview last week. It's been 5 days and my understanding was that I would hear within a couple of days. It's supposed to come through the computer, but mine is acting so slow and decrepit, that I'm wondering if that's the problem. If I don't hear soon, I'll  call or email or something.

This is all part and parcel of the feelings I've been having lately. I feel as if I'm invisible. It's sometimes like I'm on the outside, looking in at the rest of the world. It's probably all in my own head anyway. This won't be read by anyone, but it helps to write my frustration down,I guess.

Strange Days

I've been on my computer for hours every day this week. I wish I could say that it's all been productive time, but I can't say that. I've spent a fair amount of time playing games on Facebook. I have been doing research into what jobs are available in my area. I have put in online applications. Some of them take quite a bit of time. Some have you doing cute little tests that have you wondering what they really want. One of my friends who was laid off when I was told me she applied to be a dog washer at a pet store and had to take a psychological test that took her nearly an hour. I guess they don't want someone who might traumatise the dogs. After all, bath time can be stressful for some dogs!

I feel like I am not accomplishing much. I've hardly been out of the house. I did go to the post office one day, then to the store to buy fresh veggies as I had a yen for them. I just really feel at loose ends right now. I'm trying to figure out my best options. I'm not really in panic mode just yet. It's not as if I haven't been in this situation before. I guess it helps that I'm not looking for a big new career. I just want to keep clothes on my back and food on the table and have a little money to set aside. I figure all will be well, one way or another. We all make plans for how we want our world to be, but it's best not to get too many details planned, because the Universe will do what it thinks is best.

Here We Go Again

I guess it's a sign of the times that I'm out of a job again. In 2004 I was "downsized" by the airline I was working for. They closed several reservation centers, mine included. They did give us a chance to transfer to other centers in other states. Unfortunately, I had my Mother, who was in end-stage renal failure living with me. Of course dialysis is available all over, but things were complicated by having a handicapped daughter in a group home that expected to see Mom every other week. Ultimately, I took the early retirement package. I tried to find another job, but needed night shifts which were not available. I spent the next 2 years caring for Mom. I never regretted the descion.

Now, the present. I have been working part time for Sam's Club as a demo associate. It has been a fairly enjoyable job. I've loved my co-workers and most of our members. The commute has been long and not too fun in bad weather, plus my car is now 12 years old. It gets very good gas mileage, but maintainance could get to be a problem soon. In any case, for now, I don't have to worry about the commute. Walmart has decided to restructure their demo program, They have been one of the few stores that have hired their own demo people. It has worked for quite awhile. However, due to the general state of the economy, the program has become too expensive and not producing enough. Management has decided to use a third party company to run their demo events, so, as of 2/5 I am unemployed again. Even though we're being paid, we aren't actually working. I guess they're getting set for the change over.

It's very hard to have to tell people you have enjoyed working with good-bye. It's also a pain to go through job searching again. I have applied to the company that's going to be doing Sam's demos. Still, it keeps me in the commute mode, so I can't decide how I feel about that yet. I will try to find something closer to home, of course, but prospects aren't all that great just now. I don't really make enough on social security to stay home and sponge off my Aunt. I also need to get out in the world occaisionally too.

This is not fun, but there are plenty of others going through similar and worse times right now. I still consider myself pretty lucky anyway. I think that reinventing yourself is becoming a national passtime.

Difficult Times

My Son and his family is going through some very hard times right now. It's been going on for sometime, but seems to be reaching new hieghts of pain. There is anger and fear within the family, and of course, the other companion, blame.  It's hard to sit on the sidelines from far away and not know whether I can help, or even if I should help. After all, my Son and his wife are grown ups and have been for quite a long time. Even one of my Grandchildren is grown and another one getting close to, at least a legal age.  I'm not sure how much age has to do with anything anyway, except for experience,

All I know is that my heart aches for all of them for what they are going through.  It seems odd that you can live life fairly well for quite some years, then all hell breaks loose. I know the last dozen years of my life have been somewhat troublesome what with a divorce, taking care of my Mom at the end of her life, then a bankruptcy that has totally rearranged my life. Just when I thought the worst was over, my Daughter died. The really frustrating part, is that it seems to be spreading to my Son and Family and they seem to be doing all the painful things at once.

I'm not qualified to make their decisions for them, only they can do that. I also know that they are afraid of the future,  but are trying to meet it and make it work. I know it seems trite to say that there are opportunities in every challenge and heartbreak, but it can be true if you can just hold on. My hopes and prayers are with them all right now.

Looking at this post now, it looks very inadequate. Maybe I'm just trying to get my thoughts down.

Golden Globes....Avatar Won!

I watched the Golden Globe Awards last night. I don't usually have the patience to sit through the whole thing, but this year I did. I wanted to know if Avatar would win the best picture award, and it did! James Cameron also won best director as well. Someone made a comment in the morning paper, that Cameron's onlt made 2 pictures in 10 years, and won best director and picture for both. However, he hasn't been just sitting around for 10 years. In the acceptance speeches, last night, it was mentioned that it took over 4 years to make Avatar. That's the actual process of making the film. I'm sure James Cameron spent a lot of time creating the idea and story before he was finally able to work out the actual technology of putting it on film.

Anyway, I'm glad that the film was made, and enjoyed it immensely!

Distances

I thought I'd write a quick post before I leave for work. Life can be a little strange. I should be used to having my Son and his family living 2 states away by now, but I sometimes feel so disconnected. Of course, the disconnect is more than distance. There are some changes going on with them that cause them to disconnect too. It still is painful, not knowing how they are doing, if they are okay or not.

I got on Facebook last year as a way to stay a little more connected to them. It worked pretty well for awhile, but I am at the mercy of whether they decide to post or not.Even when they do post, it doesn't have much info. That's because it is a public forum. I know I'm usually a bit circumspect about what I post. Frankly, I mainly play games.

I do read posts from my Daughter-in-Law most days, and I'm grateful for that. there are occaisional posts from my Grandchildren, who are busy with school and all. However, my Son seems to have disappeared. There have been not posts or comments for a couple of weeks. This gets to be scary! Maybe he is no longer an online presence? I guess I need to get on the phone, though I worry about being a nosy Mom.

Well, It's time for my work commute, how fun.

Avatar

I saw "Avatar" yesterday. What a wonderful movie! My expectations were quite high, but the movie surpassed them! We saw it in the 3Dof course, well worth the extra 3 bucks. I think I would enjoy seeing it again, even with the 3 hour length, it didn't seem long. It was such a beautiful movie. The movie critic from The Salt Lake Tribune was very complimentary about the beauty and the technique. He also felt the plot was predictable. While it's true, the plot was prdictable, it's because the plot is a classic "quest of the chosen one." It's like an archetypical story within man's racial memory. That's why, even with the predictability, it draws us in. In fact, if it got too far from the pridictable course, people would have been disappointed.

The title, Avatar, is because the only way humans can live and work on the moon, Pandora, is to live through an Avatar, a being created artificially from Pandoran dna and the dna from the person who is running the avatar. Humans can't even breathe the atmosphere and only survive within their base or within their machines. They are on Pandora, basically to strip it of a natural resource that will produce huge amounts of energy for Earth. It's implied that Earth has used up it's own resources. At one point, when the protagonist, Jacob, is praying to the Pandoran diety,he states that where he comes from, there is no green, that humans have killed their "mother", alluding to Gaia, our own mother earth.

Pandora is not an easy place to live, the natives must be strong and brave, there is always something that can kill you. The world's life forms live in balance  and the world teems with beautiful life. The scientific team, who taught the natives English and developed the avatar program is run by Dr Augustine, played by Sigourney Weaver. She believes there is an energy on the planet that connects the trees and life forms. She's a scientist, so she doesn't actually believe that Pandora is alive in any other form but the way viable planets are alive, but my feeling was that Pandora was sentient, in a way.

The Pandoras are very large, they make humans look like children, small ones at that. They have blue skin that sparkles in the dark. They are tall and lean and strong with tails and have a long braid that protects a sensory organ that allows them to communicate with the animals that they bond with, as well as with the sacred tree.

The humans are not our best specimens. There are those with open minds and hearts who see Pandora's beauty, but they are few. The leader is a typical corporate leader, beholden to the company brass and the stock holders, though even he becomes concerned about the lengths the military will go to remove the Pandorans from the area the company wants to mine. The security head is good to his men, at least when they obey orders, but he concludes that the Pandorans are not technalogical, therefore, not worth saving.
The sad thing is, that I can see much of the behaviors and ethics of our own society that can be extrapolated with time and greater technological advancement, especially in the ways of conquest and war to be capable of doing such things. Still, a very enjoyable 3 hours!