A Warp in My World

I'd been putting this job off for awhile,but yesterday,I decided, with the emotional support from my Aunt, that it was time to go through some of Michele's things. MaryLou offered me support, but I'm sure it was just as hard for her as for me.

It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.

Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.

When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.

Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.

That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.

It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.

I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.