Thursday, June 26, 2008

A Warp in My World

I'd been putting this job off for awhile,but yesterday,I decided, with the emotional support from my Aunt, that it was time to go through some of Michele's things. MaryLou offered me support, but I'm sure it was just as hard for her as for me.

It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.

Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.

When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.

Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.

That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.

It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.

I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Time Passes

Today it has been 6 weeks since Michele's death. I don't really know if it seems that long or longer or shorter. It depends on my mood at the moment. Sometimes, when I look a her pictures, it seems that she's just at home, in Salt Lake, not too far away. Sometimes,she seems really gone, but at other times, it's as if she's just in the next room. I believe that she's very close, on a soul level. I don't believe that time and space exist so much on the soul level, so she could be right here, looking over my shoulder, giving me loving support, while still going about whatever business she has now in that new/old spirit home she's inhabiting.

My granddaughter, Caitlin, is offin the forrests of the Northwest for 5 weeks. She's part of the Northwest Youth Corps. She's out building trails and taking care of the land. She's 16 years old and has a wonderful social concience. I'm very proud of her. I'm proud of the 2 grandson's as well. The older boy, Sam is in college working on an English major. He wants to write books and he does very well with his writing. He's working part time to pay for his schooling. He is very responsable. The younger boy, Ethan is learning to play the trumpet. He practises with no proding and is even playing jazz already. All three of my Grandchildren are very special, but they have special parents.

All in all, even through the pain of losing my daughter, Michele, I've still been able to find so much to be grateful for, my family and friends. I'm grateful for the time I had with Michele, and for all that she taught me. I may have been a slow learner at times, but, in the end, we were special to each other.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Here I Am Again

I got back to work finally. I was working at the front of the store, demoing some of our fresh products like watermelon and cantaloupe and strawberries. We also did barbequed chicken and several of our bakery cakes. Fortunately, there were 3 of us. It's fun doing a team demo. If it gets slow, you have someone to talk to, and if it's busy, we help each other. We did it all three days,to help celebrate Father's Day. By Sunday afternoon, we were pretty tired. I was feeling quite a bit better, but my cough is lingering.

We had an unfortunate accident on Saturday. My supervisor had a fall on that cement floor. She ended up breaking her arm in 2 places and dislocating her shoulder as well. We're all very upset to see her in such pain! We are all wishing her well and keeping her in our prayers.

Summer seems to have arrived on the Wasatch Front. We've gone from the 60s to the upper 80s and lower 90s. It's been a bit of a shock to the system. I only got the front lawn cut last week when I was sick. Today I've been plugging away at the back lawn. I've got about half of it done, the easiest half. Since I've also been doing laundry, I decided to let the rest of the lawn go til tomorrow.

I get so much pleasure from my family's blog, my daughter-in-law always manages to get a post every week. Now my Aunt has started one! She wanted to write about Michele. I wonder what Michele would think about all the words and pictures that have been written about her since she passed on. I also wonder, why do I use the term, "passed on"? Maybe the term, "died", seems to permanent, too stark. I find that Michele is in my thoughts daily. There are so many things that remind me. Demoing the watermelon and seeing the little children enjoy it so much, reminds me of how much Michele loved watermelon. She enjoyed fresh strawberries as well. She would have loved them as we served them, with whipped cream! I find that I can talk about Michele's likes and dislikes with several of my friends who are good listeners. I need to remember to thank them.

The days pass, life goes on, even when I wanted my world to stop for awhile. Maybe that's why I got sick, I could take some time off. Even though life goes on, it's a different world for me. I guess that's to be expected. I'm still waiting to see what the shape of my world finally ends up. I think that our world's are constantly changing all the time, in little ways. We just don't notice until that big, big, change makes us notice.

Monday, June 09, 2008

I Think I'll Live After All

It was a terrible weekend. I left work on Friday after only working 4 hours. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work the next day. Unfortunately, there was no good nights sleep. I ended up missing the next 2 days of work. I coughed almost constantly. I got an expectorant to loosen the cough and took large amounts of Vitamin C and copious amounts of fluids. I got as much rest as I could. Finally, I got up today and realised I just might survive. The cough is down to only periodic, my nose is still running, but not stuffed. My ribs and stomach muscles feel like I'd been pushing a car uphill, but I really think I'm on the mend.

It's strange, the ideas that go through your head when you feel really lousey. Sometimes, you're sure you have double pneumonia and are on your last days, then you start thinking that maybe you have something really horrid with no cure. Of course, you make fun of yourself for being an alarmist. Then there's the dreams when you finally get to sleep. I'll wake up from a really strange dream, relieved to see it is just a dream, then go back to sleep to dream a slightly altered version of the same dream. I'll do that for half the night! Not too fun.

Well, I'm on the mend now. No more excuses for being lazy.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Not Too Fun

Here it is, the first week in June and I have a cold! Of course, it doesn't feel like June, it feels more like April. We've been getting the rain we should have gotten in April,in fact there was some flooding in Tooele this week, due to the rain.

I went to work Friday, and just felt so lousy that I only worked 4 hours. I have a beastly cough and I felt like a walking germ factory, so I went home. I stopped and got some cough syrup with an ingredient to help thin mucus, so I would hopefully get rid of some of it. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work today. Unfortunately, that good night's sleep was nowhere to be found. I called in sick and have been trying to get some rest. I've got the house to myself, except for the dog,but haven't really gotten any sleep. I'm just forcing fluids and hoping for the best.

Today is the Tooele Daughter's of the Pioneers Jubilie. My Aunt went out this morning in her pioneer dress, apron and bonnet to spend the day at the museum in town. Of course, it was raining this morning. It's partly cloudy now and trying to get above 65 degrees. Hopefully, they have a good turn out.

I guess that's it for today, I'll just retire and work on my foghorn imitations.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Update

All week, I've been thinking that I need to post an entry, but have been having problems deciding what to write. I decided on just a little review of my week.

As I've probably already mentioned, I'm now back to work. Some days I'm not too enthusiastic, but I've got to earn a living. My last check was pretty sad,because I only worked one partial day, and the company paid me for 2 days bereavement. It was certainly better than nothing.

I recieved a note from Turn Services, the organisation who provided for Michele's living and working program. They had recieved, so far, a total donation amount of $500.00, I have another $100 for them that I'll have to take in, as it is cash that people have given me for donation. It is very gratifying.

My Daughter-in Law, Lisa has reworked some pictures she took of Michele a few years ago and has posted them on her family blog. They are very beautiful. I've had a hard time staying away from the pictures.

I went on a couple of web sites devoted to helping people through grief. One of them listed 4 steps to go through. The first step is acceptance. Sometimes, I think I'm through that part, but sometimes, I'm not sure. I guess I've accepted Michele's death, not much point in denying it, I guess. I guess I'm in the 2nd step, but right now, I can't remember what that step is. I do remember that the 4th step is moving on, but that is nowhere near me yet.

We bought a manuel lawn mower. It is actually pretty easy to use. This week, I haven't got the lawns cut yet, but it's been raining all day. According to the newspaper, the only days it's supposed to be dry, are the days I'm working. I don't know how excited I'll be to come home and mow lawns. We did get some planting done. We've been converting one slope of the front yard into ground cover and that's pretty much done, as well as some potted flowers for the porch. I did start to dig out a garden spot, but just barely. Sometimes lately, I have problems with follow through.