Exciting News!

I just got some wonderful news. My oldest Grandson, Sam, is engaged! His wife-to-be is beautiful, sweet, fun and very talented. I will be very glad to welcome Solanah to the family.

I have such a sense of continuity today. The next generation of my family is beginning to take it's place in the drama of life, taking the steps that earlier generations have taken, but putting their own spin on it all. And well they should. Each generation joins the dance of life, and does it's own version of that dance. It will be interesting watching things unfold.

It's All Attitude

Last Friday, I went to workwith my usual reluctance, It's just that it's like my Monday and going back to work after a weekend. However, things got worse. When I got into work and went into the office to pick up my pay receipt, there was my Team Lead, Pat. All I really noticed was that she didn't have her sling on her arm. She said she was in physical therapy now and we moved on to getting my check stub. Since our last Human Resources person had lost her job, I thought Pat was just helping out. When I got back to our kitchen, I found out she had been promoted.

I'm quite ashamed to admit that my first thought was of myself and how things were going to change in my department. I did though, spare a moment to realise how great this was for Pat. She would get weekends off with only an ocaisional Saturday to work. Her daughter plays soccar, and also bowls competively, so now Pat can be there for her. She'll also get off her feet a bit too. I also realised that if one of her assisstants gets the lead position, there may not be a lot of change.

When I found out that I had to demo individual servings of fruit and single serve pizza, I was not very happy again. I hate doing two products that don't relate to each other very well. Still, you demo what you're assigned. While my oven was heating and then baking pizza, I pushed fruit servings, then, when the pizza was done, I'd pull back the fruit and put out the pizza. At least they were things that most people are willing to taste. Unfortunately, people will usually only buy one of the two products, not both, so It's nearly impossible to reach set goals.

It's amazing how tired you get when you are griping and complaining about your lot in life all day. The next day, I demoed chicken marinated with a spice called "Kickin Chicken" and showing it being marinated in a ziploc bag. It actually is pretty fun, but there's a lot of behind the scenes prep work, like cutting up 18 pounds of chicken and putting it into the marinade. Since I was working with raw chicken, it needed to be cooked to 180 degrees for safety. Fortunately, most of our members are educated enough to understand the safety issue. By my lunch time, I realised that I wasn't going to have enough chiken, so it was back to the kitchen to cut more.

Again, I went home very tired. That night I tried to figure how to improve my attitude. I know that if I'm grouchy and feeling put upon, I'm not going to be effective at my job. After all, it's a "people"job as most selling jobs are. Besides, it really is no fun and I'm old enough that I can't see spending a whole 8 hours having a bad time if I can help it!

The next day, I tried to focus on the things I like about my job like talking to people and making them smile,and interacting with the kids, especially the toddlers. I love seeing the babies and talking about and admiring them is the easiest way to interact with the grown ups. I had a very enjoyable day feeding people salad with 2 vinagrets I was showing. Yes, the demo was easier in the physical sense, not too much preparation, more customer interaction, but my attitude was better as well, and that, I think made all the difference. The nice part was that my sales were better too.

Wrong Direction

Lately, I've read so many letters to the editor in my local paper,"The Salt Lake Tribune", that are wondering what has happened to our country. How did all the changes happen? Where did we lose our way? As I was growing up, I always felt a pride in our country. We usually,if not always, took the high road in our dealings with other countries. I admit, looking back in history, we backed dictators in order to obtain something we wanted or needed, like oil, or military bases. I guess we just overlooked some things. Maybe that's why we are where we are now.

I'm very uncomfortable with our new reputation as a country that condones and practices torture. I wrote a post about this a few months ago, and I got a comment from someone that these prisoners deserved it for being terroerists and I wasn't a very good American to be questioning my President. How do people get that way?

I'm also not comfortable with the Administration's insistance that it be allowed to practise wire-tapping and spying without court orders and prescious little over-sight. Recently, a bill to restrict habeas corpus failed going through by only one vote, just one vote! We changed the make-up of the legislature last election, but we're still getting the same old stuff.

I guess polititions over the world and throughout time, have been aware that people are influenced by fear more than most other things, but the use of fear to push this administrations policies has been refined to an art, it seems.

We can look forward to a change of president this next year, but I'm worried that whoever gets elected, may find that playing to the fears of the public to get their programs across, will be too attractive to ignore.

Marking Time

Today is July 8, 2008. It has been 2 months since my Daughter, Michele died. It really isn't that much time, I remind myself when I start thinking that I should be farther along the road of mourning. I think sometimes we think that if we put in a certain amount of time feeling the pain, remembering our loved one and missing them, that it should be done and the pain gone. I suspect that is not the case. I've never lost a child before, so have no frame of reference. I pray that I never lose another child, it is not only painful, but seems against "the way of things" as well. I've talked to other mothers who have gone through this, some just a few years ago, another more than 15 years ago. The concensus seems that the pain never completely ends. Many things can open the heart to memory and bring pain again. It seems though, that eventually, the pain is less intense, memories more bittersweet, as time goes by.

My Mother died just after Thanksgiving, in 2005. The grief was intense in the immediate moments after she passed, but feelings soon were tempered by the fact that her death had been expected, and also by the fact that she was 87 years old and in very poor health. She lived with me for over 4 years, her quality of life deminishing gradually, until the last few months, her life seemed only trips for dialysis, a little TV and lots of sleeping. It seems to make a difference in the grief process, if you can recognise that for some, death is a release from pain and loss of freedom and interest in life. We still miss them greatly, but can feel they are in a better place. My Father's release from his life was like that. He suffered from Parkinson's disease which he experienced less as a trembling disease, than a freezing disease. He lost his ability to walk without falling, then his muscles became frozen,unable to straighten, unable to swallow, unable to even talk without having to force words out in a shout. He went from a very active man, sure of his ability to take care of himself and his family, to a shadow of himself, dependant on his wife for everything. In the end, I sensed that he was waiting for death.

Losing a child, on the other hand, seems quite different. You expect to be outlived by your children. Maybe, if you have a child who is sick, it might be different, but even then, you are probably praying for a miracle. Having that child die with little or no warning also makes things difficult. I see children killed in auto accidents or other kinds of violent loss, like the little 7 year old girl who died from a drive by shooting this week, and my heart goes out to the families. While I can't really say that I know what they are going through, I don't really, I can imagine pretty well due to my own experience, but only that, imagine it. I can't imagine how the parents who lose children due to some preventable accident can keep from being angry and bitter. Still, all the anger in the world can never return a loved one. As for myself, I just try to remember all the wonderful memories, and be grateful for the time I had my daughter, and be grateful for the rest of my wonderful family who are well and with me in this life. I also look forward to seeing my sweet Michele and my loving parents once again when my time comes to join them.

Just Rambling

It turns out that we had, I think, 9 days of 60 degrees in June this year, in the Salt Lake City area. That's 2 0r 3 times normal. We even had a day in the 50s. We have not had 100 degree days yet except in Tooele, on July 1st. Still, it went from 60s to 70s to 80s in about 4 days. Now we are in the 90s every day, usually mid to upper 90s. Yesterday was 98. I keep remembering last year when we had mid to upper 90s for a record number of days, plus a record number of triple digit days as well. It's hard to remember the very snowy and cold winter we had when you're cooking. To add insult to injury, despite the snowy winter, we had a cool but dry spring, so we still need to conserve water.

I finally got my daughter's paintings hung. One is slightly crooked, but I can live with it. I put it above my Aunt's computer and could barely reach the wall to put the hangers up, so it will have to do. I went through the clothing that I kept here for Michele. I got it as far as the basement. That will do. I have other things in bags down there to give away. Someday, I'll put everything together,and it will all be anonymous by then, and I'll give it all away. It will be 2 months since her passing next Tuesday, I think I'm doing okay, not "fine" yet, but"okay".

I'm working on the 4th of July. I think that's the first time in years that I've worked. I won't get to see the parade here in Tooele, but I've seen and heard the Tooele High Scholl Band. We live just down the street from the stadium, so we hear them practising.They also practise their marching down our street at least one day a week lately. It's been fun to watch them improve over time.

My Aunt bought me a manual lawn mower. I've been getting up early to get the lawns cut before it gets too warm. Tuesday, I cut the back lawn about 6:30 am. I was serenaded by a cow all morning. At first I thought the cow wanted to be milked, but then realised that most people who have cows here are raising them for meat. Anyway, that cow bawled all morning and into the afternoon. Maybe it had been moved to a new pasture and wasn't comfortable yet. I'm still not quite used to hearing livestock in my nieghborhood yet. I enjoy the quail and mourning doves, but I miss the ducks and geese. At least I'm not far out enough to hear coyotes howling like I did when I was a little girl.

A Warp in My World

I'd been putting this job off for awhile,but yesterday,I decided, with the emotional support from my Aunt, that it was time to go through some of Michele's things. MaryLou offered me support, but I'm sure it was just as hard for her as for me.

It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.

Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.

When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.

Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.

That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.

It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.

I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.

Time Passes

Today it has been 6 weeks since Michele's death. I don't really know if it seems that long or longer or shorter. It depends on my mood at the moment. Sometimes, when I look a her pictures, it seems that she's just at home, in Salt Lake, not too far away. Sometimes,she seems really gone, but at other times, it's as if she's just in the next room. I believe that she's very close, on a soul level. I don't believe that time and space exist so much on the soul level, so she could be right here, looking over my shoulder, giving me loving support, while still going about whatever business she has now in that new/old spirit home she's inhabiting.

My granddaughter, Caitlin, is offin the forrests of the Northwest for 5 weeks. She's part of the Northwest Youth Corps. She's out building trails and taking care of the land. She's 16 years old and has a wonderful social concience. I'm very proud of her. I'm proud of the 2 grandson's as well. The older boy, Sam is in college working on an English major. He wants to write books and he does very well with his writing. He's working part time to pay for his schooling. He is very responsable. The younger boy, Ethan is learning to play the trumpet. He practises with no proding and is even playing jazz already. All three of my Grandchildren are very special, but they have special parents.

All in all, even through the pain of losing my daughter, Michele, I've still been able to find so much to be grateful for, my family and friends. I'm grateful for the time I had with Michele, and for all that she taught me. I may have been a slow learner at times, but, in the end, we were special to each other.

Here I Am Again

I got back to work finally. I was working at the front of the store, demoing some of our fresh products like watermelon and cantaloupe and strawberries. We also did barbequed chicken and several of our bakery cakes. Fortunately, there were 3 of us. It's fun doing a team demo. If it gets slow, you have someone to talk to, and if it's busy, we help each other. We did it all three days,to help celebrate Father's Day. By Sunday afternoon, we were pretty tired. I was feeling quite a bit better, but my cough is lingering.

We had an unfortunate accident on Saturday. My supervisor had a fall on that cement floor. She ended up breaking her arm in 2 places and dislocating her shoulder as well. We're all very upset to see her in such pain! We are all wishing her well and keeping her in our prayers.

Summer seems to have arrived on the Wasatch Front. We've gone from the 60s to the upper 80s and lower 90s. It's been a bit of a shock to the system. I only got the front lawn cut last week when I was sick. Today I've been plugging away at the back lawn. I've got about half of it done, the easiest half. Since I've also been doing laundry, I decided to let the rest of the lawn go til tomorrow.

I get so much pleasure from my family's blog, my daughter-in-law always manages to get a post every week. Now my Aunt has started one! She wanted to write about Michele. I wonder what Michele would think about all the words and pictures that have been written about her since she passed on. I also wonder, why do I use the term, "passed on"? Maybe the term, "died", seems to permanent, too stark. I find that Michele is in my thoughts daily. There are so many things that remind me. Demoing the watermelon and seeing the little children enjoy it so much, reminds me of how much Michele loved watermelon. She enjoyed fresh strawberries as well. She would have loved them as we served them, with whipped cream! I find that I can talk about Michele's likes and dislikes with several of my friends who are good listeners. I need to remember to thank them.

The days pass, life goes on, even when I wanted my world to stop for awhile. Maybe that's why I got sick, I could take some time off. Even though life goes on, it's a different world for me. I guess that's to be expected. I'm still waiting to see what the shape of my world finally ends up. I think that our world's are constantly changing all the time, in little ways. We just don't notice until that big, big, change makes us notice.

I Think I'll Live After All

It was a terrible weekend. I left work on Friday after only working 4 hours. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work the next day. Unfortunately, there was no good nights sleep. I ended up missing the next 2 days of work. I coughed almost constantly. I got an expectorant to loosen the cough and took large amounts of Vitamin C and copious amounts of fluids. I got as much rest as I could. Finally, I got up today and realised I just might survive. The cough is down to only periodic, my nose is still running, but not stuffed. My ribs and stomach muscles feel like I'd been pushing a car uphill, but I really think I'm on the mend.

It's strange, the ideas that go through your head when you feel really lousey. Sometimes, you're sure you have double pneumonia and are on your last days, then you start thinking that maybe you have something really horrid with no cure. Of course, you make fun of yourself for being an alarmist. Then there's the dreams when you finally get to sleep. I'll wake up from a really strange dream, relieved to see it is just a dream, then go back to sleep to dream a slightly altered version of the same dream. I'll do that for half the night! Not too fun.

Well, I'm on the mend now. No more excuses for being lazy.

Not Too Fun

Here it is, the first week in June and I have a cold! Of course, it doesn't feel like June, it feels more like April. We've been getting the rain we should have gotten in April,in fact there was some flooding in Tooele this week, due to the rain.

I went to work Friday, and just felt so lousy that I only worked 4 hours. I have a beastly cough and I felt like a walking germ factory, so I went home. I stopped and got some cough syrup with an ingredient to help thin mucus, so I would hopefully get rid of some of it. I thought a good night's sleep would get me back to work today. Unfortunately, that good night's sleep was nowhere to be found. I called in sick and have been trying to get some rest. I've got the house to myself, except for the dog,but haven't really gotten any sleep. I'm just forcing fluids and hoping for the best.

Today is the Tooele Daughter's of the Pioneers Jubilie. My Aunt went out this morning in her pioneer dress, apron and bonnet to spend the day at the museum in town. Of course, it was raining this morning. It's partly cloudy now and trying to get above 65 degrees. Hopefully, they have a good turn out.

I guess that's it for today, I'll just retire and work on my foghorn imitations.

Update

All week, I've been thinking that I need to post an entry, but have been having problems deciding what to write. I decided on just a little review of my week.

As I've probably already mentioned, I'm now back to work. Some days I'm not too enthusiastic, but I've got to earn a living. My last check was pretty sad,because I only worked one partial day, and the company paid me for 2 days bereavement. It was certainly better than nothing.

I recieved a note from Turn Services, the organisation who provided for Michele's living and working program. They had recieved, so far, a total donation amount of $500.00, I have another $100 for them that I'll have to take in, as it is cash that people have given me for donation. It is very gratifying.

My Daughter-in Law, Lisa has reworked some pictures she took of Michele a few years ago and has posted them on her family blog. They are very beautiful. I've had a hard time staying away from the pictures.

I went on a couple of web sites devoted to helping people through grief. One of them listed 4 steps to go through. The first step is acceptance. Sometimes, I think I'm through that part, but sometimes, I'm not sure. I guess I've accepted Michele's death, not much point in denying it, I guess. I guess I'm in the 2nd step, but right now, I can't remember what that step is. I do remember that the 4th step is moving on, but that is nowhere near me yet.

We bought a manuel lawn mower. It is actually pretty easy to use. This week, I haven't got the lawns cut yet, but it's been raining all day. According to the newspaper, the only days it's supposed to be dry, are the days I'm working. I don't know how excited I'll be to come home and mow lawns. We did get some planting done. We've been converting one slope of the front yard into ground cover and that's pretty much done, as well as some potted flowers for the porch. I did start to dig out a garden spot, but just barely. Sometimes lately, I have problems with follow through.

Back to Work

Friday, I went back to work. I went into the store with a little nervousness. I didn't really want too much attention, I wanted it to feel as normal as possible. Fortunately, many of the employees were unaware of any problems I might have. The people who were most aware, were my friends in the demo department and some managers. My supervisor told me I could pull off of the sales floor any time I needed to and could work shorter hours as well. I had easy demos all weekend. I was given sympathy cards that I put away to look at in private after work.

Things went quite well, until my old next door neighbors came in and a few minutes later a friend that I used to work with at another job. Both said they hadn't seen me at the store in awhile, so I ended up telling them about Michele. It wasn't that bad, but got my thoughts going into sadness. I ended up going home early both Friday and Saturday.

My friends have been very supportive and understanding about how hard it is for a mother to lose a child, no matter the age. One of my co-workers lost one of her sons at about 19. It's been several years ago, so she was able to talk to me about how she coped and the things she went through. It's been very helpful.

This weekend was Memorial Day. We had some pretty red, white and blue flower arrangements at the store. I picked up 2 on Friday and took them out to the cemetary on my way home.I put one on Mom's grave and one on Michele's grave. Just writing that,about Michele's grave seems so--almost inappropriate somehow, certainly not anything I ever thought I would be writing or saying.

I'm sure that time will ease my sorrow, but there will always be times when I will find myself missing Michele.

Reality

Yesterday Michele's community service group, Turn had a memorial service for her. They had done a very beautiful presentation of photos of her through her years with them, with a beautiful musical accompaniment. They showed her enjoyments and friends and fun.

From the beginning of it, I felt my heart swell til I was afraid it would literally break. Even though I was with her at her passing, I'm not sure it was completely real for me. Suddenly, seeing her up on the screen, I realised, completely and totally, she is gone. I'll never hold her hand in mine, or receive her one armed hugs, at least in this life. Sometimes reality bites!

We went on with many people standing to relate their charished and often humorous memories of Michele. It really helped, I think. After everyone who wanted to speak, did so, we went out into the parking lot to give Michele a last tribute. One of Michele's joys in the fall, especially at Halloween was to smash pumpkins, Since it's not punpkin season, mini watermelons were used. From the top of a ladder onto a plastic sheet, 2 watermelons were smashed with great appause, to celebrate one of the joys Michele found in her life. I vowed to remember this Halloween, to smash a couple of pumpkins for her.

The Joys and Pain of Living

Just when you think things are getting better, they're not. I went onto my Son and Daughter in Law's family blog today and found they have put music on it. that'sreally great, but the song that's playing when you first bring it up is a beautiful song called" New Dawn" with violin, piano and harp and it just made me cry. The rest of the post shows pictures of my youngest Grandson in his first marching band, playing his trumpet. In 94 degree heat no less! That was part of the joy, seeingthe next generation grow and have wonderful expeiences. Unfortunately, the pain seems to lie in waiting, ready to jump out at any moment. My daughter's staff made me up a picture collage of one of Michele's fun times. Having this is a great joy, but it also brings pain. When I wake in the morning, it's one of the first things I see, reminding me that she is gone from this life. Though I believe the separation is only temporary, it's still a separation and I miss her.

Thoughts on Learning to Cope With Loss

The night after Services for Michele,I slept like a rock. Of course, I was exhausted. Now, I'm not sleeping so well. I wake frequently, am up and down. I know I'm dreaming, but I can't remember my dreams, maybe out of self protection. Michele is in my thoughts a great deal. I see the parents in China who have lost a child to the earth quake, and I mourn with them, thinking I know how they feel. I remember that the Chinese are only allowed one child per couple and I realise that I have been blessed with another child who has graced me with another daughter in his wife, and with 3 wonderful grandchildren. In my grief, I remember to be grateful.

I am grateful for Michele's life, for all she taught me and the joy she brought. I am even grateful for the painful moments as well. The people who were her staff and care takers are having a memorial for her next week. They want me to bring some memories of her early life. That's got me thinking of her as a baby and a toddler. It's a good thing cherish the memories. I guess it's part of the healing process, which I sense,will take awhile.

My impulse lately, has been to hide awayand lick my wounds. I know that it's my nature to go within for awhile, but I will make the effort to look outward. Today, my Aunts are taking me to lunch for my birthday, by Sunday, I will return to my job. I'll find ways to cope.

Gone Too Soon

My precious child has left us behind to take the next great adventure. I believe she has good company to show her the way. Those who went before, her Granmother and Grandfather met her at the gate, and surely angels guided and guarded her passage, even hovering near her hospital bed, protecting her soul as her poor body and brain were ravaged with siezures that medical science could not control. We, her family and friends spent 3 days, hoping that she might rally, as she had done at other times, but finally, we faced the truth, that she was already gone from us, and we let her go.

There were many of her friends who were there, at the end. Michele's passing was, at the last, both calm and gentle.Once the ventilator was removed, she took just a few breathes on her own, then stopped so gently, that we were not aware for a few seconds that she was actually gone. It almost seemed, that she had just been waiting for us to release her to her new adventure.

Michele was just 41 years old. She lived a life of many challenges right from the beginning as she had multiple birth defects. Though there were many times she showed frustration from her limitations, she also met most challenges with a courage that often amazed me. She insisted on being herself. Those she loved, she loved unconditionally and she showed great loyalty.

I am so thankful to all the people who helped Michele, especially the people from Turn Community Services, who staffed both her home and working facilities. They have been with her for about 15 years, helping Michele to be as independant as she could and allowing her to have as full a life as she was able. She loved her home and enjoyed her work and the people who helped her.

Michele's passing has left a void that will never be filled. The pain will get less intense, but that empty space that she occupied, will always offer bittersweet memories each time I visit. Thanks to my family's help and the help of all those who loved Michele, I will be okay. I'm grateful for those 41 years that I had with Michele. I will see her again, in the next life. She'll be there to teach me this time.

Expanding the Mind

It is an absolutely gorgeous day today, in the low 70's, partly cloudy, just great. We'll have more tomorrow, maybe even pushing into the 80's. Unfortunately, Wednesday may bring a drop in temperature of nearly 30 degrees and a storm coming in, hopefully just rain. It's just Mother Nature playing games again. Still, it's best to enjoy the good weather when you have it and not stress over what may come, right?



I recieve a weekly news letter from a guy in Australia who is a life coach. Most of his stuff is good and sometimes very good. This week's message was about going with the flow, a term that is used frequently. Phil had a wonderful way of explaining it, that really makes you think about how you live your life. You start out thinking of each day being a river. Some days the river is calm and placid and other days it might be more suitable for white water rafting. He then says that we have the choice each day which way we're going to paddle. Think about it, isn't it easier to paddle down stream, rather than up stream? How many of us spend our days struggling to get through by paddling like crazy up stream and wondering why we don't get to our destinations easily or why we feel so tired.



I love the visulization of the river, it help me to understand going with the flow better. If you look at each day as a river flowing by, doesn't it make sense to believe that the river will get us where we're going easier by riding it as it flows, rather than fighting it. I know many of us get suspicious when the way seems too easy, like something must be wrong with how we're living if it's easy. Maybe that's a hang over from the Puritan ethics model, but why would a loving Father, our creator constantly put obstacles in our paths,making us miserable? Many think that the obstacles are there for us to overcome and to learn. There's certainly something to be said for that idea, though I think many times, we put the obstacles there ourselves, either our souls urging to learn, or maybe even our egos trying to prove their point, that we're not worthy or something. At any rate, why shouldn't we paddle down stream and enjoy the trip of our lives, we're still on our way to that final destination anyway.



Another thing Phil had in his newsletter was a link to a narrated video on Youtube called "Shift Happens". This is really an interesting video, here's the link http://youtube.com/watch?v=FqfunyCeU5g If you're interested in Phil's newsletter, his website is at http://www.peoplestuff.com.au

It's Spring! or Not

Yesterday, I decided to get out into the yard and do some spring style work. As my Aunt was raking the front yard and scalping the roses, I opted to do something in the backyard. We have a bunch of gladiola bulbs that didn't get planted last year. I don't know whether they will grow now or not, but I decided to dig them a bed. I started digging in the east/front corner. Soon I had lots of help. Our dog, Lady, decided digging looked like fun, so she pitched in with gusto. There was dirt flying all over. My Aunt told me that Lady had helped her dig post holes for the fence, and I can see how. My flower bed is deeper than I would have dug it, but the soil is nice and soft now. There's also a very big root running through it. I have not a clue what tree it belongs to either.

I also started tocut up the branches that were broken from trees and bushes thoughout the winter. I only managed a small dent in the pile before the garbage cans were filled. It's a good thing they pick up every week. I also manage to get slivers in both hands. Now I have my badges of yard work valor.

Today, it is windy and cold again.It is supposed to be cooler still tomorrow, but at least we're supposed to get rain, not snow. Luckily for my hands, it's a little reprieve from yard work

Perceptions of Age

I've noticed my Son being a bit preoccupied with his age. It seemed to start about the time he turned 40. It's been kind of a family joke, with the black balloons etc. I guess you can start noticing those small physical changes, like greying hair, especially in our family with a genetic predisposition to going grey early. My Son is lucky, I found my first grey hair in my 20s. I've also noted a certain preoccupation about ageing with other people I've known. One friend almost retired to her rocking chair when she first became a grandmother, even though she wasn't quite 40. It took going out and getting a job after being a stay at home mother, to get a bit more involved with the world at large.

I suppose that the fact that we have such an emphasis on youth in our culture makes people worry more about getting older. Still, that's starting to change, due to the "baby boomers" and thier determination not to let getting older stop them.

I've been reading a book by Marianne Williamson called, "The Age of Miracles, Embracing the New Midlife". She talks about turning 50, how traumatic it can be,(I know it seemed like that to me.) She also talks about this new idea of midlife being a time to open up to new perceptions of your life. You can open to these new perceptions and live a new way, or you can close them off, and join the old ideas and restrictions of what you can and cannot expect for the remainder of your life. She says that this new midlife is the time to look back on our lives and access what we've done or not done. We probably will have regrets, most people do, but now is the time to learn from those mistakes of things done and opportunities missed.

One of the main ideas from the book, is to challenge the traditional expectations of age. Don't think that you're "too old" for something you may have the desire to experience.

Another idea, is that we've spent the first part of our lives being obsessed with ourselves, to a certain extent, though, of course,we're concerned for our spouse and children. We spend a lot of time worrying about our careers and futures and collecting "stuff". Now,when we have the chance to slow done a bit, it's time to get away from thinking with our egos and go into ourselves and listen for guidence from God to help us know how to spend the remainder of our lives.I'll bet that guidence doesn't tell you to sit around worrying about hair loss or how your joints feel.

Granted, you've earned the right to slow down and enjoy life a bit, but that doesn't leave you sitting in a rocking chair all day either. The important thing is to refuse to do ageing like many of us have expected to do. We need to think about things that we've thought we wanted to do, but were afraid we were too old to do them. We can still make a contribution to our worlds as well, even if it's just by living a good example. We can choose to have a rebirth in midlife, rather than start a prolonged march to death.

Right or Wrong?

I'm writing from Utah,and lately, our news has been filled with the raid on the "Yearning For Zion" compound near Eldorado, TX. The police and Texas Child Protection Agency went into the compound looking, they said, for a sixteen year old girl, who had been "spritually"married to an older man and became pregnant. She has an 8 mo old daughter and is pregnant again. She made cellphone calls to 911 saying that she had been abused. The Texas officials ultimately, removed 416 children from the compound and their mothers went with them. The compound was searched and they even entered to search the Temple.

This group practises polygamy as part of it's religion. It is a break off of the original Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints or Mormons,as they are known. Mormans also practised polygamy in thier early days, many of us who are Utah natives can find polygamy in our family histories. Polygamy was stopped by the Mormans in the late 1800s when we became a State. We still have a small number of people living in polygamous groups here in Utah,some quietly, some quite openly. There have been court trials for bigamy, and more often, for forcing young girls into "spiritual" marriges. The head of the sect that is having the trouble in Texas, has been put in jail for putting a young girl into a marriage with an older cousin against her will.

We in Utah have seen that there are problems with this lifestyle,many of the women and children are forced onto welfare just to survive, as the men have more wives than they can support, so it is more than just a question of people being allowed to practise thier religion in peace.

The reaction among Mormans here in Utah has been mixed. We all have been touched by polygamy to some extent, and that influences our opinions. I have been withholding judgement through all this, waiting to see whether anything positive would come out of it. By most accounts, the compound has been pretty quiet, not abusing any laws and taking care of itself, not getting TX state welfare. I'm still not comfortable with the practise of marrying off young girls to old men, keeping women with the minimum of education and basically using them as breeders. But I'm also uncomfortable with police going though the temple that those people view as sacred. Now it seems that the state has removed the mothers back to thier compound, while still keeping the children in State custody.

I've no doubt that the state of Texas believes they are doing the right thing to protect those children, but they have acted on such a large scale that I'm afraid they are going to have a long,hard fight on their hands.