The title of this post may be a little strange, but still is how I feel. There are lots of things I don't know, way more than what I do know. I guess that is true of all of us. Still, there are some things that it is scary not to know. One of those things has to do with being unable to take away the pain from a beloved child. When your children are tiny, you try to protect them from all harm if you possibly can. As they grow, you have to gradually let them have more freedom. One of those freedoms is to experience life and risk getting hurt. When they do get hurt, you soothe them and try to "make it all better". Unfortunately, the older they get, the harder it is to "make it all better". Eventually, they stand without you, and deal with their own hurts. Now they are grown and you just hope that, somehow, you've helped them to be strong enough to withstand life.You have to accept the fact that there will be others who will be there for your child. Now , you hope and pray that those people in a position to help or hinder your child will be the helpful kind.
My daughter seemed to be lucky enough to have people who cared about her and took care of her. Because she would always need to be taken care of, I tried to be very careful and keep track of those who were in a position to make positive or negative impacts in her life. It helped that she was pretty fiesty as well.
My son, who was always so bright and loving, wanting to do things for himself, has always been the bright spot in my life. I could usually depend on him to eventually tell me when he had done something wrong, like the time he tried pot. It took him awhile, but he came to confess it. Imagine how surprised I was to learn that he had suffered horrible treatment from someone when he was young, and I didn't find out for over 30 years! My conclusion for this is that he suffered so much shame from this treatment, that he somehow blamed himself, that he couldn't talk about it. After all, how do you tell your Mother that you have been abused? And you didn't have a very sympathetic father I suppose.
One of the big things I don't know, is how to"make it all better". It is probably not even possible. He can learn to deal with the pain and go on with his life, but I don't know how to help him do that either. I can be grateful for the wife he has chosen. She is truly his "help mate". I can be grateful for his belief in a compassionate God. I can love him as unconditionally as I am able, being only human. I wish I could turn back time and make it as if it never happened, but that is impossible.
One of the things I do know. In God's eyes we are perfect, that core of us inside that is part of God, is perfect, beautiful,wonderful and good. To my Son I say, "You are perfect and have a beautiful soul, I know it to be true".
1 comment:
Thanks Mom--you are very right. i blamed myself and had a very difficult time dealing with it to the point that, once the treehouse burned, i "forgot" what happened. Unfortunately, i have carried it with me since then and it has contributed to my fight with depression since the age of 12. Now, Iam unfortunately dealing with it. The meds help, but only a little. In reality, the dreams are beating me up and Lisa is trying to help me through it, having gone through worse, as you know. But it is still difficult to leave the house, still difficult to deal with friends and strangers socially. But I will get through it.
Never blame yourself for it--you are right. I was very independent and things were bound to happen--and I would have fought you if you had tried to take away my independence.
I truly appreciate your compassion and understanding and love you very much.
Bob
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