After Effects

Here it is May. In fact, in 3 days, it will have been one year since my daughter Michele, left us. She's been in my mind a lot lately, in fact for the last several weeks. I was remembering how hard it was to have her hooked up to machines and tubes, when I wanted, so much, to simply hold her. She was my baby, and I could only hold her hand, or pat her foot. It was very frustrating.

I also remember that I didn't seem to dream of her, at least not that I could remember. Last month, I had dreams of her several nights in a row. In these dreams, I was able to hold her, at last. When she was alive, I sometimes dreamed of her running away getting into harmful drinks,or getting lost, and I would wake in a cold sweat, having to assure myself that she was safe. At least, she was a safe as we could make her. The dreams last month would start out like my old ones, but, in the end, she was always really safe, and I was able to hug her and hold her. Maybe, it was my subconcouise, helping me to start healing.

I guess that accepting the loss of a loved one is an ongoing thing. It still doesn't seem right to lose a child. It just seems to go against the "way of things", though it does happen often enough. I am more accepting. After all, her absence is a fact, I can't change it. I still do miss her, as I miss my parents. I guess that doesn't really change. It's life, it seems.