Today is July 8, 2008. It has been 2 months since my Daughter, Michele died. It really isn't that much time, I remind myself when I start thinking that I should be farther along the road of mourning. I think sometimes we think that if we put in a certain amount of time feeling the pain, remembering our loved one and missing them, that it should be done and the pain gone. I suspect that is not the case. I've never lost a child before, so have no frame of reference. I pray that I never lose another child, it is not only painful, but seems against "the way of things" as well. I've talked to other mothers who have gone through this, some just a few years ago, another more than 15 years ago. The concensus seems that the pain never completely ends. Many things can open the heart to memory and bring pain again. It seems though, that eventually, the pain is less intense, memories more bittersweet, as time goes by.
My Mother died just after Thanksgiving, in 2005. The grief was intense in the immediate moments after she passed, but feelings soon were tempered by the fact that her death had been expected, and also by the fact that she was 87 years old and in very poor health. She lived with me for over 4 years, her quality of life deminishing gradually, until the last few months, her life seemed only trips for dialysis, a little TV and lots of sleeping. It seems to make a difference in the grief process, if you can recognise that for some, death is a release from pain and loss of freedom and interest in life. We still miss them greatly, but can feel they are in a better place. My Father's release from his life was like that. He suffered from Parkinson's disease which he experienced less as a trembling disease, than a freezing disease. He lost his ability to walk without falling, then his muscles became frozen,unable to straighten, unable to swallow, unable to even talk without having to force words out in a shout. He went from a very active man, sure of his ability to take care of himself and his family, to a shadow of himself, dependant on his wife for everything. In the end, I sensed that he was waiting for death.
Losing a child, on the other hand, seems quite different. You expect to be outlived by your children. Maybe, if you have a child who is sick, it might be different, but even then, you are probably praying for a miracle. Having that child die with little or no warning also makes things difficult. I see children killed in auto accidents or other kinds of violent loss, like the little 7 year old girl who died from a drive by shooting this week, and my heart goes out to the families. While I can't really say that I know what they are going through, I don't really, I can imagine pretty well due to my own experience, but only that, imagine it. I can't imagine how the parents who lose children due to some preventable accident can keep from being angry and bitter. Still, all the anger in the world can never return a loved one. As for myself, I just try to remember all the wonderful memories, and be grateful for the time I had my daughter, and be grateful for the rest of my wonderful family who are well and with me in this life. I also look forward to seeing my sweet Michele and my loving parents once again when my time comes to join them.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A Warp in My World
I'd been putting this job off for awhile,but yesterday,I decided, with the emotional support from my Aunt, that it was time to go through some of Michele's things. MaryLou offered me support, but I'm sure it was just as hard for her as for me.
It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.
Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.
When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.
Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.
That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.
It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.
I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.
It seemed so odd. Here were Michele's things, all arranged as usual, her bed made, looking as if she had just gone to work or something. Then I saw the gathering of dust over everything, a sign of neglect that she wouldn't have allowed. That was just the beginning of the feeling of a world just out of kilter.
Her Father and I had already decided that her furniture and clothing could be donated to who ever in the program was in need. We went through her photos, fortunately, there were doubles for many pictures, so I didn't have to worry about depriving her Father of things. I did take 3 of her paintings. Now I just need to find a place for them. She had dozens of umbrellas. We said to offer them to staff first. She had many stuffed animals, maybe they could be offered to a children's shelter.
When I first walked into the room, my grief nearly overwhemed me, but looking at some of her pictures, and thinking of the fun she was having when the pictures were taken, it made both MaryLou and I laugh.
Michele's staff, Scott and Justin, insisted that I take Michele's digital camera and printer. She earned the money to buy them, so I have them now. I finally downloaded the pictures that were in her camera. There's her Halloween tradition of smashing pumpkins, and a shopping trip. They wanted us to take her new vacuum and barbeque grill, but we already have 3 vacuums.
That's another thing that's warped. A parent plans for what they can plan to leave thier children. Here I am, inheriting from my daughter. I feels very strange. As we left, I realised that in addition to losing my daughter, I was probably going to eventually lose touch with those wonderful people that were Michele's loving staff and that just compounds the loss. Still,with a little effort on my part, I can probably keep some communication going.
It's amazing how much people in your life enrich it, and you don't always realise it. Michele was my daughter, and in some ways was larger than life, so I was always aware of the large influence she had in my life. The same goes for my Son, his wife and family, as well as my Aunts. But I'm coming to realise how much many others who were Michele's staff and friends enriched my life, as well as Michele's. I see the connections between us all a little more clearly now.
I guess that warp in my world is just that empty space that some days, like yesterday seems to be an abyss. I realise, that space that Michele occupied will never be filled, just as there are other spaces from other loved ones that are still empty. The spaces will be less noticable, as time goes on. My life will build new connections if I let it, eventually. In the meantime, I'm comforted by the surity, that love never dies.
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