New Picture

I decided to bite the bullet and appear as I am. This picture was taken by my Aunt at Multonomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge. We were on our way to Vancouver, Wa for my oldest Grandson's wedding. I'm eating an ice cream cone. That's okay, everybody eats, right. I guess I hate to show the roly poly me, thinking that people who see the picture will judge me by my weight. Like,"Wow, What a pig she is!" I see other people, people that I know and like and They may be a little rotund, but I never seem to notice it much. It always looks better on others than ourselves, it seems. I guess that we are usually our own harshest critics. It shouldn't be that way though. We're not supposed to judge people, and that's hard enough to stop doing. Somehow, we seem to think that it's okay to judge ourselves. It's not okay though. Still, I keep doing it. So here I am, in all my flawed beauty. It's okay though, we're all a little flawed. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here, trying to live our lives, make a little contribution when we can and try to learn a thing or two to get us to the next stage, right?

Looking at Life

I've always believed that life is beautiful and good. I know that isn't true for some people. I isn't even true for me 100% ofthe time, but for most of the time, it is true for me. I know that there are some people who are full of pain and fear. There are people who are full of anger,who blame others for their own pain and don't seem to be happy unless they can make someone unhappier than themselves. That is very sad, for them and anyone around them.

I know that there are people who have been through hell in their lives but have managed to build lives that are good. The hell doesn't go away totally, it just assumes a lesser importance most of the time. They manage to take positive energy and keep that foremost in their lives and keep a wary eye on the negative energy that tries to sneak up and sap them.

I sometimes think that you need to surround yourself with as much beauty as you can find, whatever moves you and is beauty to you. When life slaps you down, and it does, grab onto whatever it is that brings you a sense of beauty and love, no matter how small, and use it as a shield to protect yourself from the negative, the pain and ugliness that is out there.

I generally look toward music and nature and ,of course, family and certain friends that I can count on. The best friend is within, that part of me that is part of Spirit, who can see what I can't always see, that God is with us all, loving us, just as we are, always. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but we each are lovable and worthy, even when we have lost our way, even the person who wounds you is loved. God is the ultimate Father, loving and forgiving all.

The Dog Days of August

We had some hot days lately. I worked, so at least I was in air conditioning. Even so, it was rough as I was not feeling well. Friday I awoke to a very sore throat. I figured it was from post nasal drip. I couldn't afford to lose hours, so I went to work. After an hour or so, I felt really lousy. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, so was probably a prime target to a virus or something. I ended up going home early. I took vitamin C, forced fluids and went to bed early. Saturday was better.My throat was still a little sore, but I managed to get through the day. I wanted to sleep in,but woke up as usual. Oh well, it's Sunday, I'll take it easy.

We had a really nice rain storm this morning. I hope we get more. It will save me watering tomorrow. It's supposed to be in the low 80s for awhile, a nice change from 100s! Our tomatoes are rippening well now. It's so great. The cucumber isn't putting out much, and the ones that do grow are a bit bitter tasting. I'll have to figure out why before next year.

It is hard to believe that summer is almost over. It seems like June was yesterday!

Judgement

I'm not sure why we humans feel the need to make judgements of each other. Not only do we make judgemsnts, we catagorise and label as well. Judgements are not ours to make, we are really not evensupposed to judge ourselves. We do it anyway. It is a very harmful practise, both for the judgee and the judger.We label and pigeonhole each other, then wonder why feelings are hurt. It's only an opinion, right? Wrong! It takes on something that we aren't qualified or in a Christian sense, even allowed to do. One reason we should not judge is because we don't know enough. We can't see into the heart and soul of the person we are judging. We often don't even understand our own hearts and souls!

I've always liked the saying from the Native Americans. " Don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their mocasins". There's another quote, " He who is without sin, may throw the first stone" I think that one pretty much removes all of us from the ability to judge!

For the last several years of my life, I have tried not to judge others. to say that it is a difficult thing is an understatement. One of the things I've tried to learn is to accept people as they are. This is something I learned from my beloved daughter, who was "different". I think it is very hard to get past the tribal attitudes of "us and them". If you aren't one of us, you must be one of them. If you are different, you aren't me or part of mine. Unfortunately, dispite progress, we still revert to tribalism, though it may be seen as something else, it is still a more primitive part of our phyche.

Sometimes, a person thinks they are just offering an opinion, helping you to see yourself. Really, you can have any opinion you want to have, but if it's hurtful, keep it to yourself. If your opinion is so strong that you can't accept a person, then remove yourself and let the relationship go. Hurtfullness in the guise of helping is not a good thing.

More Geneology

I've been doing a little catch up on my family tree, trying to pare down some of the duplicate people and eliminate some children from some of the huge families, especially when they are far back in time.I'm still at over 9800 people in the tree!

I ran into a fun name recently. His name was Flaad Banquo De Dinan, born in 994 and died in 1064. He was born in the Pyrenese Mountains. His wife was named Muldevana De Atholl, born in 998. I'm glad his name was Flaad and not Vlaad. The area is too close for comfort. Maybe I'll do a little more research.

The Scottish clan keeps growing, I enjoy looking at Scottish travel sites and seeing what the areas of our ancestors looks like now. Much of our people came from Midlothian. It really looks beautiful. Maybe someday, I'll get to the UK and check out all the places our people came from. Of course, most of them came from the UK, but there were quite a few from France, Germany, Switzerland, Norway and Belgium. I'm not sure I'd be able to check out everything.I should have started sooner.

Yesterday, I found an ancestor who was born in 445; Chilperic K Deburgundy. His father was born in 420, can you believe it?His name was Gendioc of the Burgundians and his wife, born 438 was named Basina of Thuringia. That's in what is now Germany. It's really interesting to be seeing ancestors who were alive before there was a Germany or France or England. Their world was so different from ours,it's hard to imagine their lives.

I'm still pretty much at a dead end with the Haggerty line. I can't seem to connect Ireland with the U.S yet. I keep plugging away though. Someday, it may all open up for me.

Disturbing Atmosphere.

The political atmophere today is quite disturbing to me. The disent at some of the town meetings going on about health care reform is not just heated debate. It seems more hateful. There are things being said that are difficult to understand. People are painting swastikas on signs around places of meetings, they are complaining about things that are going to happen if Obama's changes go through that don't seem to have any relationship to facts.

There are people who are still saying that Obama was born in Kenya. Like the State of Hawaii is lying, all of them. Unfortunately, there will always people who will believe only what they want to believe, never mind those pesky facts.

There are people who are saying that the reforms will cause old people to be euthanised. This rumor can be traced to the House GOP leadership. There are fake "grassroot"organiszations that are being run by suspect people. Freedom Works is run by former House majority leader Dick Armey. Conservatives for Patient's Rights is run by Rick Scott, former head of Columbia/HCA, a for profit hospital chain. Mr Scott was forced out of that job due to an investigation for fraud. The company finally pleaded guilty of over billing State and Federal health plans. They paid out 1.7 Billion dollars in fines!

Many people say they disapprove of "any"form of socialised or government run healthcare.The surprising thing is that nearly half of those questioned were on Medicare. They don't seem to realise that medicare is a government program.

There seem to be genuinely angry people out there, but what has them angry? I was approached by a person while I was at work. He took one of my samples, made some small talk, then started talking about all the "reverse racial discrimination out there, since that communist became President". For a moment I was struck speechless. I told him that I wasn't paid to talk politics, only food, but I was disturbed. This has happened to me before,from people that I thought I knew. I live in a very conservative state, especially once you get out of Salt Lake City. But our store is practically downtown. This is disturbing.

I read Jack Krugman's colunm as well as some others in the New York Times, admittedly a little on the liberal side. There are signs of cultural and racial anxiety among people. I guess they expected Obama to wave a magic wand and all would be well. Now everyone thinks he's not living up to his promises. There are cynical political operatives out there who are fanning the flames, stiring up the angry white man. It seems to me that the republicans don't just want to keep the staus quo on health care, they think failure of reform will ruin Obama's presidency and open up things for them to come back to business as usual. Heaven help us all.

I Don't Know

The title of this post may be a little strange, but still is how I feel. There are lots of things I don't know, way more than what I do know. I guess that is true of all of us. Still, there are some things that it is scary not to know. One of those things has to do with being unable to take away the pain from a beloved child. When your children are tiny, you try to protect them from all harm if you possibly can. As they grow, you have to gradually let them have more freedom. One of those freedoms is to experience life and risk getting hurt. When they do get hurt, you soothe them and try to "make it all better". Unfortunately, the older they get, the harder it is to "make it all better". Eventually, they stand without you, and deal with their own hurts. Now they are grown and you just hope that, somehow, you've helped them to be strong enough to withstand life.You have to accept the fact that there will be others who will be there for your child. Now , you hope and pray that those people in a position to help or hinder your child will be the helpful kind.

My daughter seemed to be lucky enough to have people who cared about her and took care of her. Because she would always need to be taken care of, I tried to be very careful and keep track of those who were in a position to make positive or negative impacts in her life. It helped that she was pretty fiesty as well.

My son, who was always so bright and loving, wanting to do things for himself, has always been the bright spot in my life. I could usually depend on him to eventually tell me when he had done something wrong, like the time he tried pot. It took him awhile, but he came to confess it. Imagine how surprised I was to learn that he had suffered horrible treatment from someone when he was young, and I didn't find out for over 30 years! My conclusion for this is that he suffered so much shame from this treatment, that he somehow blamed himself, that he couldn't talk about it. After all, how do you tell your Mother that you have been abused? And you didn't have a very sympathetic father I suppose.

One of the big things I don't know, is how to"make it all better". It is probably not even possible. He can learn to deal with the pain and go on with his life, but I don't know how to help him do that either. I can be grateful for the wife he has chosen. She is truly his "help mate". I can be grateful for his belief in a compassionate God. I can love him as unconditionally as I am able, being only human. I wish I could turn back time and make it as if it never happened, but that is impossible.

One of the things I do know. In God's eyes we are perfect, that core of us inside that is part of God, is perfect, beautiful,wonderful and good. To my Son I say, "You are perfect and have a beautiful soul, I know it to be true".

Wedding Day

Here is Sam and Solanah getting ready to make the marriage official, signing the wedding license. Sam looks a little distracted, but he was very much ready to make sure all was official.

It was a wonderful wedding. It seemed really short for me, as a witness. I remember at my own wedding, time moves slower when you are the ones getting married. After this, Sam and Solanah danced a bit, then spent much of the rest of the time posing for the wedding pictures. Fortunately, as the Grandmother and Great Aunt, MaryLou and I didn't have to worry about much posing.

It was a beautiful setting for a wedding, at the old Fort Vancouver. There's lots of green grass, trees, and historical old buildings. There was even an old car ralley on the grounds and Sam and Solanah were able to get some pictures with an old car. I found a cool place to sit in the shade and just enjoyed the scenery. I could see the Columbia River in the distance and saw a sailboat or two. It was very nice. It was also hot, but nowhere near as hot as it has been lately. According to our local newspaper, Portland can expect to hit 106 degrees tomorrow. I sure hope not though. That kind of heat in that area is unthinkable!

The newlyweds went to San Fransisco for a few days. We had left before they got home, but it surely had to be cooler in SF than back home.

Sam and Solanah are embarking on their new lives together, a time full of joy, love and challenges. I wish them smooth sailing and much love and joy!

Vacation

We had a wonderful vacation! The picture is of Moltnomah Falls along the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon. The picture was actually taken 2 years ago. I have the recent pictures somewhere in my computer, but I forgot what I named the file. I guess I find them eventually. I t really seems strange to lose something in a little laptop, but if anyone can do it, I can.

We drove up by way of Wells and Jackpot Nevada. I took a wrong turn to US 30 west, thinking I was getting on I-84. As soon as the speed limit changed to 40 mph,I knew it wasn't an interstate. The road is a scenic highway called Thousand Springs road. We saw quite a bit we'd never seen before and it didn't add that much to the trip time, so it was worth it. Some of my most interesting trips have come from wrong turns.

We left at 5:20 AM mountain time and arrived at my Son's home around 7 PM pac time. We had printed out directions from google and only had to turn around once to find their new diggs. They have a very nice house.

My kids, notice how I claim them all, my Daughter-in-Law, is just like my own Daughter, so anyway, my kids have the most caring and generous friends. One couple brought over their trailer to park in front of the house and plug into the power, so we had our own home away from home. Another friend provided fresh flowers to make the trailer homey. These couples provided absolutely indispensible help and direction for the wedding rehearsal dinner, the ladies doing the decorating and much of the cooking, the men providing the grunt work of setting up and tearing down. They were phenominal!

The wedding was beautiful, espcially the Bride. The motif was the "50's".It was great! The Groom, the Father of the Groom,and the Brother of the Groom all wore colored sneakers with their suits with matching ties.Very stylish. If I ever find my pictures, I'll post them later.

Now,we're back home and I'm back to work. It's been very hot, but it's supposed to cool a little next week. On my first day back at work, my car died. I found out there's a security system that totally shuts off your electrical system if your battery gets below 9 volts. My key fob wouldn't even work, I had to use the key and when I tried to start the car, it beeped at me. Thank goodness for AAA. I've paid for it for years. some years I never use it, but when I need it, it's there and worth it. I got jumpered and got started. When I finally got home and parked, I turned off the car. I tried to start it again and couldn't. I planned on getting a jump the next morning and then going to get a battery. It actually started, but since I couldn't remember when I'd bought that battery, probably at least 3-4 years ago, I decided to buy a new one. I can't afford to commute so far to work with a car I can't trust. Other than that, we're surviving.

Vacation Time

Yesterday was my last working day for 11 days! Yeah! I need a vacation. Life in Retail has been a bit tense lately. I'm glad of the break. I'm really glad for the reason to vacation now. It gives me the reason to go on a trip rather than having a "staycation". Besides, a staycation doesn't get you out of your rut enough, you just end up being lazy, or worse, doing some home project.

We are going on a road trip to Vancouver, WA for my oldest Grandson's wedding. I might hate to admit that I'm old enough to have a Grandson getting married, but I'm so happy for him and his wonderful fiance, Solanah! Sam and Solanah seem like a wonderful pair. They seem to complement each other so well and are very obviously in love. They remind me, a bit, of my Son and his beautiful wife, Lisa, who are themselves still very much in love. Actually, My son and Daughter-in-Law are more than "in love". They are simply devoted to each other and best friends.

We are going to try driving up in one day. Usually, we spend one night in a hotel and will probably do that going home. We have to time our return to pick up our big, white, furry animal at the kennel on our way. We're trying a new route going up this time. We'll go by way of Nevada and pick up Interstate 84 from Twin Falls, ID. Hopefully we'll miss some traffic by avoiding SLC this time.

The last time I saw my Washington family was a sorrowful occaision. This time is a joyous time. I much prefer it this way.

Some Updates

I've had a little time to do some genaology this week. Ancestry.com has changed things a little so that it is easier to get around from person to person, so I've been doing a little clean-up on some of my lines. I don't think I've mentioned that we also have Greek ancestors who were in Constantinople, Turkey. We have some French and Norman forbears who did some take overs in Turkey.I guess it was around one of the Crusades. We are also related to some of the Greeks who were also playing take over in Turkey. One was named Andrinikos Dukas Kamateros. He was born in 1108, in Constantinople. His wife was Theodora Kalusine Komnera, born 1126, also in Constantinople.

We've even had some of our French and English forbears who died in Bethleham or Jeruselam, probably on Crusade. The thing that's surprising though, is that some of them took their wives along. We have one ancestor who's name I can't recall just now, proclaimed himself King of Jeruselem and actually ruled for awhile. Can't say our family didn't have nerve.

On the Welsh front, we have Llewelyn Ap Iorewerta who was born in 1173 in Aberfraw Castle in Cearnarvonshire Wales. Most of our Welsh forbears came through the Clark side. One of our Great Grandfather Jefferies married Emma Clark here in Utah,and there was born our Welsh lineage.

We are also related the "Alfred the Great". He was supposed to be one of the first great kings of England. He did have great statesman like skills and could handle men. However, there wasn't really an England, as such, then. It was in the ninth century and England consisted of London and the surrounding area, called Mercia. The northern part of the country below Scotland was called the Danelaw and consisted of, well Danes, who had decided to settle down and enjoy the spoils of viking. Wales was bigger and occupied the area east of Mercia. Still, Alfred managed to keep Mercia for his people and laid the foundation of the future England. I had read stories about that time period and felt pretty pleased to be related to Alfred.

On another note, we're looking forward to a wedding next week. We'll be loading up and heading for greener climes next Tuesday. Whee!!!!!

Just Keep Trying

I thought by now, at my age, that I'd be coasting to the finish line. Just taking things easy, having some fun along the way, my life in hand, very little angst. Guess what? It just ain't so. I guess some of us are destined to push our way to the finish line. Not that I'm expecting the finish to be right around the corner. If I had my druthers, I'd end it all in my sleep at the age of 102, having lived well and worn everything out, ready for a new life on the other side. Unfortunately, the struggle continues. Fortunately, it's not as bad as my teens, thank the Lord.

I have days when I have trouble finding anything to be thankful for. Of course, those are the days when I really need to find those things to be thankful for. After all, I'm still breathing, walking, talking, etc. I have loving family still, and friends. There's a big lumbering Dog who thinks I'm pretty great, though I'm probably 2 nd on her list, but that's okay.

My job is problamatic much of the time lately. The things I enjoyed in my job, sometimes get lost in its' demands, though a sweet child always brings a smile to my face.

Sunday, I let myself be drawn into a bit ot a political argument with a customer, that I've usually enjoyed. I really felt bad and beat myself up for the rest of the day. I get upset with myself for getting side tracked. I'd love to be perfect, but then I'd probably decide there was something wrong with that too.

You get to a point in life, when you realise you just might not make all those goals you've had. What really anoys me is that I fail to make any headway on things that I've wanted to do, it seems, all my life. You'd think that I could fix, at least, one or two things that I want to change about myself. My Son wrote about everyone being on their own path, which I firmly believe. Sometimes, though, I'm afraid that my path has gotten faint, or I've slipped off from it and I'm just wandering around. Maybe I should just enjoy the wandering for awhile,or maybe I should find a way to stop for awhile and listen for instructions.

My Opinion

I've been reading my Son's family blog about Father's day. It sounds like it was mostly good. My Son was making the point that what a child experiences with their father, molds their expectations and ideas of God, the ultimate Father. I think that may be right. Athough my concept of God has changed since I was a child, I think your first concepts probably are very influenced by thr relationship you have with your own earthly Father. My Father was very loving, though quite strict. He was careful to not make a promise that he couldn't keep. I remember once, I was supposed to wait for my Grandfather to pick me up from grade school, but I went to Primary with a friend. My Grandfather couldn't find me and finally went home without me, to get my Mother to help him look. By the time they got back, I was at the school waiting, realising that I was probably in trouble. Mom was so upset that I'd frightened everyone, that she told me I couldn't go to the play or concert that the high school was doing that night. My Aunt MaryLou was in it and I had been promised I could go. I was upset, but truthfully, I think I knew I deserved it. After my Dad got home from work, he told Mom that it had been a promise. By that time, it was too late to go to the play. Dad told me I'd been very wrong to worry everyone and need to be punished. I got a spanking, then I was taken to the drive-in in Tooele for a movie, to make up for missing the concert. I was probably 8 years old, but I've never forgotten it.

I didn't always agree with my Dad, and he certainly wasn't perfect, but he did teach me about keeping my word, or not giving it. Maybe that's why my kids heard "maybe" so often.

I must say, that my concept of God has grown as I have I guess. My belief is that God is Love. That said, I don't believe that you recieve everything you ask for, in the way that you ask for it. We can ask for anything and God, in his Love will give it to us. However, we don't have the right to tell God how to do His job, so He will give to us in His own time and in His own way. Being a Loving Father, He will give back to us beyond our dreams, since we usually tend to think too small, forgetting that God is Omnipotent and all-powerful. The trick is believing, expecting, and accepting. We need to be grateful for all that we have, the breath that we take, the fact that we live, the many things in this world that are beautiful. If we wnt love and beauty, we need to look for it and be grateful for that which we see. If we focus on the unhappy things, the ugly or the lack, that will be what we keep experiencing, because that's where our focus is. When I find myself down and not interested in getting out of bed in the morning, eventually, I'll remember to focus my attention on the things that are good and remeber to thank God for all the good I can see. Usually, things will perk up in awhile.

I don't say my belief is the only belief, only that it usually works for me.

Living Honestly

I sometimes find myself agreeing with a person I'm talking to, all the while, knowing that I don't really agree. It may be a co-worker, or a manager or a new acquaintance, or even a stranger. I'm sure that we frequently do this just to be agreeable, or because the issue isn't particularly important at the time. I guess it may not be that important if it is just an occaisional happening. There are some who would say that anytime you don't assert your own beliefs can be living a lie, therefore damaging your own soul. After 911 I often had problems when listening to some of my more militant co-workers. I'm happy yo say that I didn't validate their views on wanting vengence because I didn't agree. I mostly listened and kept my opinions to myself, deciding not to cause discent at work. This made me feel that I had been untrue to myself, though I was pretty sure I wouldn't have changed people's minds.

When I was younger, I pretty much voiced my opinion whether anyone asked for it or not. Getting older either mellowed me, making me realise that telling everyone what I think is,at best, being a bore and at worst, an exercise in futility. I have tried to learn not to judge others and to accept them as they are. Trying to convince everyone of the rightness of my opinions and beliefs is can be frustrating and usually, not worth it. Still, how do you make sure you are being true to yourself? By letting someone believe that you agree with everything they say, am I being honest? Does it even matter?

I guess you have to keep checking how you feel about yourself, whether there's a feeling of disconnectedness or a bit of guilt over something you've said or not said. Is it another person you may have wronged? If not, maybe the person you have wronged is yourself. I thought I'd have more answers to life by the time I got this old, but my ideas have changed nearly as much in the last decade as they did in my 2nd and 3rd decade. I'm not sure we ever have all the answers. If we think we do, we're probably wrong.

Looking back at this rambling post,I'm not sure I said what I wanted or if it was worth doing. Oh well, I'm just rambling anyway.

Back to Genealogy

I've been working on both our Scottish and our Welsh lines lately. The Welsh lines are a bit of a challenge since the names are nearly unpronouncable. Some of the place names just look like a string of letters, a long string, but usually include a province or county that's recogniseable. Many of our Welsh forbears came from around Glammorgan or Monmouthshire. As an example of interesting place names, there's Morgan Ap Maredudd from Cyfoeth, Meredydd, Gwynllwg in Monmouthshire. Notice the use of w and y and l in everything. There is a woman named Tangwlstl Verch Rhys. The Verch seems to be used for women. I don't know if it's like Mrs or some other form of honorific. At least with the "Verch", you know it's a woman, sometimes the only way to tell.

We are related to Daffyd Ap Llewellyn. There was a prince of Wales by that name and also a great Welsh poet. I googled the name, but it's hard to figure, as the time frame doesn't quite fit either character. Once you get back in the 12th or 13th century, it's always a little hard to be sure of dates unless the person is famous and well researched. I almost think I'd prefer to be related to the poet. We've got more than enough royalty.

I struggled a bit with the Robert The Bruce line. MaryLou seemed get the direct line just fine, but I had an extra John Bruce that skewed everything, even though my line before the king was fine. I think I've got it right finally.

We also have connections to the early Spanish Kings as well. Once you establish connections to the Capets and Plantagenets, you end up related to half the royalty of Europe and Scandanavia.

Obviously, many of our forbears were farmers and businessmen and even peasents and thier lines taper off fairly early. Some lines don't go farther than the 17th century. Some countries are harder to find info on too, like Ireland. I did get onto a message board for the Haggerty family and noticed my cousin had been doing some of the same searches that I am, but that was in 2004. Now I need to find out whether he had ant success or not. I did pick up a tidbit about some Hagerty's in the 1600s who came to fight the English with the O'Niel's (the clan we were sept to). They even ended up with a castle, actually 2, one in Ireland and one in Austria. I doubt that it's our line though, but it's nice someone in the Haggerty clan had a castle. Anyway, I keep plugging away.

So Much Pain

I was all ready to write another post on the Welsh genealogy that I've been doing, but after reading a series of posts on my Son and Daughter-in-Laws blog, I feel the need to talk a little about pain and dealing with it.

I understand that in this life,pain is probably inevitable. How much you suffer, and how you suffer can be a choice that we each can make. My Daughter-in-Law had an extreemly painful childhood. She has endured a great deal of pain and suffering. I won't say I know what she has gone through, because I don't, and nobody else can claim to either. We have no way to get inside another person's heart and mind to see their world. I can only see from the outside. I see a person who, at some point, decided to fight against her suffering and fight to lead the life she wants. I know that she is still fighting. I see a strong woman who has so much love to give. I also see a woman who fights her demons and and doubts. I would like to let her know, that even people with good childhoods have to fight doubts and their precieved weaknesses.

I worry about my Son and his depression. I am sorry I didn't see the problem sooner. I worry about how much of his childhood contributed. I am very glad he is addressing the problem and not playing the strong silent type that so many men do.

When you are fighting depression and problems, it can be difficult to focus on what's right with the world. It can be a temptation to look at everything through a dark lense. It is very important to look for the light, for beauty and love. I used to write down at least 3 things I was grateful for every night before I went to bed. I kind of got away from that. I noticed that some days, I'd wake up and not even want to get out of bed. There wasn't anything that I could point to that was wrong, just nothing much right or worth getting up for. I decided I should remember to count my blessings, nothing formal like before. I just tried to remember a thank you when things were going right, or I was feeling happy, or something good happened, or even if something bad didn't happen. I think, that if you thank God for the things you love, He'll make sure you get more of those things.

I've lived long enough now, that things that used to bother me so much, are less important, maybe because I have tried to let some things go, to obsess less. It doesn't always work, but it's better. Maybe, I'm living such an uneventful life, nothing gets to me. Maybe I've achieved, on my own what Prosac once offered me; emotions on an even keel, no lows, but then again, not too many highs either.

New Book

I've been using this book to check my genealogy with it's charts and maps. But yesterday I decided to start reading it. It's called "Robert the Bruce, King of Scotts".It is supposed to be the definative book on Robert Bruce. It's quite readable and I am enjoying it a lot.

I've discovered that my son Robert is quite excited about his connection to Robert Bruce. When we named Bob, it was to honor an Uncle on his father's side of the family. We didn't know about the famous connection. It's been quite fun. It turns out that Robert Bruce was not Celt, but Anglo-Norman. However, he did speak Gaelic, as well as Norman French and Northern English, making him trilingual. He became Earl of Carrick through his mother, who was Countess of Carrick in her own right. From his father, he was Earl of Annandale, a holding close to Carrick.These holdings were on the south western side of Scotland. In fact, Carrick was on the Irish Sea. Robert's family also had English holdings in Essex and Midlands.

There were Scottish kings before Robert the Bruce, but they did not control the whole of Scotland. Robert's distinction was the uniting all of Scotland under one rule.

So far, I'm reading about the meschinations of England's King Edward I after the untimely death of Alexander the third, leaving only a girl child as hier because his two son's had died with no issue. The child was his daughter's child from Norway's King Eric. The Scottish nobility wanted to set up a regency of 6 men. Edward agreed if they would swear fealty to him as the more powerful king. He eventually insisted that Margaret, only 6 years old be brought to Scotland to be raised and to be married to Edward's 5 year old son. By the time she arirrived, she was ill and eventually died. Through other meschinations and intimidations, Edward put John Balliol on the Scottish throne. At this time, Robert was only in his teens, and his grandfather, Robert, the Competitor, was trying to put his own family into contention for the throne, always believing in was his family's by blood right.

It is all very interesting and I am enjoying it very much. I've always had an interest in History, especially old History, so the genealogy is a good stimulus for more study.

The Importance of Pets

As all of the family is dealing with the loss of my Son's Family's adorable Sheltie, Angel, I begin to think about all the pets I have had in my life. It seems that I've had at least one animal in my life for most of my life. There have been times, usually during mourning for a lost pet, that I have been without one, but soon, the old imperative to share my life with another animal gets too strong. I find a new pet to enlarge my life.

During my childhood, I usually lived where having pets was not a problem and I frequently had more than one at a time. We almost always had a few cats around, whether outdoors,indoors or a combination. Much of my life I slept with at least one cat, sometimes two. There seemed to always be a dog at home except when I lived in 2 different Utah Power and Light company housing, but we had cats then too. I also had parakeets and goldfish at times. I remember the piglet my Dad bought to raise for future meat. He warned me it was not a pet, but I named it anyway. When it was time to butcher him, my Dad warned me and I hid under the bed until it was all over. I did eventually manage to eat some of the meat, but not without a little twinge.

I've loved and lost quite a few pets in my lifetime. We had a black cat who was a bit of a runt, so I tried to keep it house bound. I didn't know then that you need to have them nuetered or the males keep marking their territory. Bob got very upset when Sooty urinated in his new mocasins. They were totally ruined. We finally let Sooty out into the neighborhood. He came back in the morning ruffled and dirty, but seemingly triumphant over the other cats. His penchant for fighting was finally his undoing. He finally was hurt enough that he couldn't recover, though we did have him into the Vet, he ended up with bleeding stools, indicating internal injuries. I finally took him into the Vet to be put to sleep. When Bob came home from school and I told him about Sooty, he wanted to know whether we'd do that to him if he got sick. He nearly broke my heart. He was around 7 years old, I think, and really couldn't understand why there should be a distinction between people and pets. It's very hard to explain to a little boy, especially when you're not too sure of things yourself.

It's amazing how your pets can fill up your life like they do. Yesterday, MaryLou and I went to the grocery store to get groceries and dog food for our monster dog Lady. We were out at the car, putting things in the trunk when it thundered. The first thing both of us thought of was Lady. She's afraid of thunder. Of course, we hurried home to comfort her. Like I said, they're a big part of your life. People who've never had pets can't understand how important they are to us. We who have pets can't understand those who don't have pets. We're sure they are missing something in their lives.

Painful Loses

It seems that our family has been having a streak of painful losses for the past few years. I guess that's true of many families. It just seems like it's piling up sometimes. I think that it must be an indication that we are investing love in our lives, otherwise, people and pets leaving us wouldn't be so painful.

My Son and his family are undergoing the possible loss of a beloved pet. I've been though that fairly often. Each time, I tell myself that I'll do without a pet,because it hurts so much when you lose them. It just seems so unfair that animals have so much shorter of a life span than we do.I still end up with another pet, because they give so much love and really don't ask for that much, usually.

My heart goes out to my Son and Daughter-in-Law and my Grandchildren. It is so painful, but the unconditional love you receive from a pet is priceless.

More Musings

I can't believe that I used to post nearly evey day. Now I'm lucky if I post once a week. With the weather better, and yard work to do,time is slipping away again.



I got a wonderful email from my friend Zara, who was once staff for Michele. Actually, she was much more than Staff, she was a true mentor for Michele and I was thankful to God every day for her. I still am, actually. She pops up with an email just when I need it.



Anyway, Zara was telling me about an art project she was involved with on May 9th in Sugarhouse. They had artists and dancers around a creek that goes behind businesses there. They had dancers in the trees, and bright fabric floating in the water. They used umbrellas embellished by different artists scattered about. Zara said she felt Michele's spirit there. Later, she found out that Michele's supervisor, Scott, had donated the rest of Michele's umbrella collection for the project. I'm sure Michele would have loved to see all of her umbrellas being enjoyed that day.

I have a new project. I'm keying information from old records for Ancestery.com. It's Ancestery World Project, and volunteers view the records online and with some enlarging, try to fill out the pertinent information. I've been mainly doing immigration records,which is fairly easy if it's legible. The batch I did today about put me over the edge. One of the papers I was trying to do kept appearing upside down. Really hard to read that way. I finally got it working. My accuracy has been 84%, but it's slipping down to 82% the last couple of days. Handwriting was a bit different last century. Hope my eyes hold out!