Let go of the past, be grateful for the present and be open to the future. This could be a way to live your life. Of course it's not always easy to let go of the past, we sometimes seem to obsess about the bad things.

To me, it's easier to be thankful for the present, though on some days I might have to resort to being thankful for the sunrise, the moon and stars, oxygen to breathe etc. Those are the obvious things. I saw a poster which said, "Thank you for the hard experience. I learned something." Sometimes it takes awhile after a hard experience to realize that you learned something valuable, but it's often the case.Being thankful for a boring day might seem hard unless you've had too much excitement lately, or you just need a day that doesn't require much effort.

Being open to the future is, for me, a little bit more difficult. Do I imagine a future that I want thereby, perhaps limiting my future in some way, or do I just sit back and say "Okay Universe, surprise Me"?

I was on Facebook today and a friend posted a video from You Tube. It was a clip of Mama Cass Elliot singing  "Sing Your Own Kind of Music". I always loved the Mamas and the Papas, especially Mama Cass with her clear, pure voice.  The song has been running through my head, as good songs do, but it's giving me a nudge, making me ask myself some questions. Am I singing my own kind of music? What is that music? Am I really living the kind of life I want to live and maybe need to live?

There's an old quotation, something about dying with your song unsung or something like that. I've just spent the last year of my life battling cancer. I've had to admit that I'm not likely to be immortal. At least the body isn't.

I think most people have an idea that they are, perhaps meant to do something special or important with their lives, even if it's special only to them.

I read somewhere that before we're born, we decide what it is we want to do with our lives and even choose the parents we'll have so that we'll be more likely to accomplish whatever it is we intend.

My father always told me that if we didn't do all that God wanted us to do that we'd have to come back in another lifetime to do it right. My feeling is that we are the ones who decide what each lifetime will mean, and God will help us to do it.

I know that not everyone believes in reincarnation, but for me, it's kind of a comfort. If I'm wrong, so be it.  
                        
                                          

I'm reading a book called "Earth" by David Brin who is an astrophysicist. It takes place in 2038 and earth is suffering from global warming. It's interesting that this book was written in 1990 and he's trying to extrapolate  from what was known or believed in that time to nearly 50 years into the future.

People have to wear dark glasses and protect their skin due to increased sun danger from the thinner ozone layer. There are migrations to the Yukon because it has become more temperate. People want to go to Patagonia for the same reason, and the Antarctic is also thawing. There are "arks" to protect dying wildlife and there are new religions based on Gaia worship, you know, Mother Earth.

Of course all of these things are just the context for the problem of the mini black hole that's circling around the earth's core. Some scientist developed it for a South American Government who claims it's for powering the electric grid.

Now, in 2012, comes an anouncement from the National Weather Service that July was the hottest month ever recorded. The past year has also been the hottest on record. I also read an op-ed article from James Hansen who is the head of NASA. He was one of the first scientists to warn about global warning and he says now that he's afraid he underestimated the speed of the warming.

In the meantime, the conservative people in the government are still claiming it just ain't so. I live in Utah and our legislators are quite sure it's just a scam. More like wishful thinking. I'm not sure how much more of the Arctic  ice needs to melt or how many polar bears need to die before we get serious about CO2 in the air.

It's 3:30 AM and obviously I'm not asleep. I've planted potatoes on Farmville, posted some pictures, read another friends blog, but I'm still awake. I really hate it when this happens. I was asleep for awhile but when I got up to the bathroom, I couldn't go back to sleep. My cat doesn't help. She figures, if I'm awake I should pet her and pet her.

I think that my brain just gets into high gear and won't stop. I've even thought of going for a walk. I live in a quiet neighborhood, but still, it's the middle of the night. People who happened to be awake might be concerned with seeing my wandering around in my nightgown.

I guess I'll have to give in and take one of my herbal remedies. Hopefully I can salvage some of the night.

"Just as the moon has no light of it's own,but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present" Eckhart Tolle

This quote was at the beginning of a daily guide that I often read. It talks about how we hold onto past experiences and dwell on thoughts of what we could have done, or should have done. I have, in the past, wasted much time and emotional energy obsessing about things, until one time I realized that I had spent most of a week obsessing, wasting energy and emotion on something that was past, all gone, kaput. I finally realized that what is in the past cannot be changed. Of course, I knew that I wasn't changing things, but somehow going over and over what I should have done was a habit that I imposed on myself, perhaps as a way to atone for an error or to punish myself, thus becoming more worthy. Sounds really weird  doesn't it?

I guess we all have behaviors that are not serving us. The trick is to recognize them, stop them and move on.It isn't always easy to stop habits, but if we stop and ask ourselves if we're accomplishing anything positive, sometimes that helps. I still find myself trying to do the past over in a different way sometimes, but eventually, I stop myself with a reminder that the past can't be changed.

Speaking of Eckhart Tolle, I wish I could really experience what he talks about, living only in the present. I'm aware that we only exist in the "now", but the "now" keeps moving into the future, taking us along with it. I've read other people and I think to be fully present, you have to pay attention to what is happening right now and quit slipping into planning the future or trying to restructure the past. Obviously, we do need to pay attention to future plans, and reliving lovely memories is nice, we just need to pay attention to living and not just waiting until the future to actually live.

I was reading a book about journaling  and how to use it for personal growth. One suggestion was to ask yourself a question and then answer in your journal. One suggestion was," If you could live your life over, what would you change?"

Not surprisingly, my first thought was that I would get that colonoscopy  when I was in my 50's and my doctor tried to talk me into it. Maybe I could have by-passed the cancer or at least caught it sooner. Of course that wouldn't have protected me from some other malady.

Another thing I might wish was that I had been more patient with my children, especially my handicapped daughter.

Would I take more chances and be more spontaneous?

Actually, many changes can be made with our present life, no need to start over, just alter behavior. That's not always so easy, but  it's possible.

The problem with reliving life is that the changes you made might lead you to lose some of the things you really hold dear and you might not even know what you'd lost!  Maybe I'll just leave my soul a post-it note of some of the things I'd like to do in my next life.

It's been months since I've posted anything! I wasn't sure I wanted to continue with my blog or even cancel it and start a new one. But, what the heck, I'll try it again.

A lot has happened. I've had my surgery and yes, it hurt as much as I feared. I spent most of December on my bed doing crossword puzzles. I couldn't sit without pain pills. The Lortab was all that got me through the drives to Salt Lake for check-ups. Besides having the tumors removed and my bottom restructured, I also had a kidney stone removed. I didn't even know I had one, no pain at all. It was found on my CAT scan. It was pretty strange!

The next month my Aunt had pneumonia that went into respiratory failure. She was in ICU for about a month, getting fed through a gastric tube. She can't even remember the first week. We were into Salt Lake every other day, trading with my other Aunt. Fortunately, my Son did the driving. It's not wise to drive under the influence of pain pills. She eventually went on to physical therapy and finally home.  It was a really scary time for all of us.

By February I was sitting some. I still use a pillow to sit on quite a lot. I've been learning how to live with a colostomy. It's going pretty well now. Of course I' m finally finished with the rest of my chemotherapy and my lab results are good. Yippee!

I lost a bunch of weight. I'm  the smallest size I've been in years! Fortunately I had a fabric stash, so now I'm making new clothes pretty quickly.

There are changes in my life. I spend time changing pouches and keeping my eating regular. Fiber is my new best friend and there are things I have to think about that I'm not used to, but I feel like I'm getting better all the time. Life is pretty darn good!